The Ralph Wiggum Book: Simpsons Library of Wisdom

By Matt Groening

Ralph's book starts with his Top 40 list, of presumably his faves, #1 being kitty litter, and last, wearing a robe whilst not being ill. Then a day in the life, starting at 7am and adjourning at 11pm. Ralph begins by taking off cop pjs, and being returned by his neighbor Ned when running down the street nekkid. Then, Ralph shows off his poetry regarding ringworm, the days of the week, dressing himself, a fly spreading disease, the school bus making him sick, eating a crayon, drinking from a large cup, and eating cat food, then puking, picking his nose, eating paste, what if all boys were like himself, his pjs, and how he ate something green, and now his tummy hurt.

What's on Ralph's Mind: a variety of things. Wisdom of Ralph, which repeats with a few gems, since apparently much filler was needed: If you put something far enough up your nose, it'll come out your mouth. Next, Lunch Box Restipees - deviled eggs has the ingredient of Satan. Instructions include offering the eggs to Satan.

Cat Food Salad- Normal way with cat food. Filly Steak Sammie - requires race horse, which daddy gets from the track. Hot Diggety Dog includes mud. Aquarium Gravel in a Cloud has the gravel from Aquarium, with whipped cream, and vanilla pudding. Corn Dogs is a corn on the cob with dog food.

Crunchy Munchies are this: dirt, twigs, paste. S'mores No Mores include brown crayons. A nonsense one is, Daddy's Phony Baloney Sammie, baloney, malarkey, hogwash, a load of hooey, and bread, eat it and be quiet, kid (So, baloney and bread). Chicken à la Viking has normal ingredients, but left in a backpack over the weekend, and shared Monday: chicken pot pie, Swedish meat, Danish pastry.

Smashed Potatoes is taters, and regrets: Ralph gets bullied outside eating leftover mash. A Wisdom of Ralph: Thinking helps you chew harder. Next, a Wiggle Puppy Story, where he flies with Wiggle Power. He goes about town looking to help people. He sees Moe riding a bicycle without a helmet, and buzzes about his head, distracting him into riding into the tire yard, getting smoky, so he can't see, and rides off the roof.

Moe crashes and hurts his jewels, but still is riding on the bent tire frame of his bike, away. Then, the dog warn-barks of a wolf coming, Moe getting a chunk bit from his leg, then hitting a tree. Wiggle Puppy goes and barks at some paramedics who seem to understand him, and go to collect Moe. Wisdom from Ralph: Satan told me to tell you, "Hello!".

Next up, Ask Ralph, which starts off with a q of how a write-in can tell if his wife's cheating, and Ralph saying cheating is wrong, and Mr Skinner says your wife should keep her eyes on her own test. Some qs of love are too far over Ralph's head, so when he's asked how someone can pick between 2 guys, Ralph focuses on how "fingers are good for picking". There are more. Then, Ralph vs Science with the science dude.

Science dude says, Matter can't be created or destroyed. Ralph returns with how he destroyed daddy's squad car, it mattered. Backyard Buddies is next, which're different items in Ralph's backyard, along with a Leprechaun telling him to shoot his daddy's flare gun in the Teacher's Lounge, and Bart Simpson. Ralph Wisdom: Pop music is hard work.

Anatomy of Ralph: usual areas, tummy has, ugh, inside. Sports time with Ralph - weird ones include, badminton, and curling. He does none correctly. Next, Ralph's guide to constellations: one is, Olsenius-The Twins.

Ralph's dream house is next, it an original piece for a place for a leprechaun with asbestos walls the easier to set on fire. Then, a What if Ralph Wiggum was Elected Prezzie is shared: He'd be lenient for 1st time felons, world peace, end of oligarchy to parliamentary sys, Poison Control Centers on all blocks. Next is Homemade Holiday Crafts: Valentine's Day Rock Box: Ralph eats the chocs and replaces with painted rocks. Most of them makes Ralph's mom clean up after him.

Then Ralph IDs the 20 Types of Grown-ups: According to how these people treat Ralph, for instance, doc is Free Lollypopper, Mr Skinner is School Daddy. Then, Ralph's Summer Vacation, he spending most of his time with pop, since Mommy gets stressed out by him, so he gets sunburned at the beach, and then his pop had to go to ER because 3 crabs got stuck in his mouth and Ralph got to sit in a wheel chair. Next week they go to a petting zoo where Ralph feeds a goat his daddy's cash because he'd called it lettuce, then they go camping when he isn't mad anymore, but leave when daddy's harassed by a bear, the 2 hanging out at home for the rest of the summer. Next is Ralph's Bedroom: 1 which shouldn't be there, being the mailman, Ralph sometimes practicing police tactics, he under Ralph's bunk bed, handcuffed.

Then Ralph Wiggum's Greatest Hits, containing misheard covers like, The Beatles' Lucy in Disguise with Linus. Then Art D'Ralph: The Masterpieces of Young Master Wiggum, which include: Blueberry Doggie - Woggie is permanent purple dog drawn on the living room wall. Glass Door Owie where a permanent outline of Ralph is imprinted for running into the glass door to the patio. Ralph's art is all over town as well, his shoes stuck in cement after staring at a bird for a long time.

Another wisdom of Ralph: Food is our friend. Next, Ralph's Halloween costumes: he's Krusty's monkey, Mr Teeny 1 year, nekkid but for a little cap, roller skates, and a crayon like a cigar out his mouth. Then, a Ralph original story of, What My Daddy Does: Ralph knows his daddy's a policeman, but he learned what his daddy did 1 day, and wrote this. It looks like 1 day, after going through his daddy's closet, he finds a bazooka to show and tell, so follows the kids to school, so he doesn't get lost.

Bart figures out what Ralph's show and tell is, and takes it. Bart shoots the US flag, and it hits WIllie through the wall, Ralph's daddy called, and he and Bart made to help him bury the bazooka, because it's a piece of evidence he'd forgotten to turn in, and they were told to forget about it. Then next week, Ralph goes back for it, but Cletus had claimed it for lunch. Next, Ralph Says the Darnedest Things.

A collection of how stunted Ralph is. Next, Ralph's Santa letter list: grown up scissors, a pine clone, lo-carb crayons, bird control, easier bake oven, and there's 25. Wisdom from Ralph: the scissors say they won't hurt you, but they're lying. Then, 25 Cool Things to Be When You Grow Up! 25 is Mr Lisa Simpson.

Then Ralphie's Scrapbook compiled by his parents, poor kid. He has stalking pics of Lisa, and it shows his report card being straight Ds like dad, apparently. Then, Ralph's 2nd grade progress report is provided from Miss Hoover. Ralph forgets how books work. He also continues to eat crayons, but Hoover comes up with positive improvements Ralph's made, including not eating eraser dust, anymore.

Lisa does a review of Ralph's one-man show, which's bare bones. Wisdom of Ralph: Happiness is a dry night. A wasted page (like some previous) dedicated to Ralph's Top 10 Music D/l's and it showing only failed attempt prompts, no bands or songs... Ironically, the next page has Ralph's Gotta-See TV Line-Up and it includes: Terrible Toons, bad writing equals bad character drawings, and background (projection?).

Great Moments in History According to Ralph, the statue of Liberty used to be a giant French lady. Lastly, Ralph's Bottom 40: starting with a bent Wookie, and ending with too tighty underpants.

I'm only glad I didn't buy this book.