The Last Black Unicorn

By Tiffany Haddish

Tiffany Haddish begins with her early life, and whilst dealing with a wart when she was young and was tormented for, her g/ma eventually figured she had a mole and got it burned off her forehead, this shaping her belief of being ugly, her g/ma also planting the idea in her head. She overcomes the bullying with the help of comedy though, as well since she had a chatty nature. By HS she is boy crazy and after 1 boy who consistently rejects her, wasting a bunch of candy-grams trying to sweeten him on her. Instead, she becomes the school mascot, and she has such a knack she is able to start getting paid for it.

She turns this into a 10 yr job in costumed entertainment gigs, including bar mitzvahs. When she's 1st scouted, she isn't sure about being hired for bar mitzvahs, thinking it was stripping, but her g/ma sets her straight about she being half Jewish on her pop's side, he's African. The 18 yr old starter company lives at his mom's, DJ Timbo, and Tiffany gets hired as his 1st employee. She gets her 1st job and doesn't do so well, since she's distracted by Timbo's bro also working at the party, so she calls Timbo back, and does much better with her 2nd party, getting everyone party crazy.

2 years later, she tries to get an old man to join in, grabs his tie and starts dancing with him, she doing a booty pop in the guy's crotch, he falling and an ambulance getting called. Tiff thinks she's to jail, but the old man dies at the hospital, Tiffany deciding to quit the costume life. Booty assassin gets tipped by the fam though, the daughter knowing her pop was happy, and was close to death, this being what has Tiffany return, and get better cash. Tiffany uses imaginary friends to make peeps laugh and this helps her cheat off of kids' tests, but 1 of her imaginary friends was called Cracker, a bird.

Her social worker gives her the option after she'd been in trouble multiple times of whether she'd prefer going to therapy or the Laugh Factory Comedy Camp, hmhm, what to choose. Her time at camp is idyllic, and she definitely could use the reprieve of foster care at 15. Some advice from Richard Pryor helps her remember to have fun when entertaining, and when she gets the chance to be interviewed for the news, she has to go through 2 days of waiting to get permission from a judge. She had to get a sign off for being ward of the state, so she gets it signed, then Princess Diana is killed and her interview gets bumped for a couple months due to coverage.

After this, she becomes homeless, so she doesn't have time for comedy for a few years. The car accident her ma got into had ruined her brain, before this she had her shit together working like mad and having 2 houses on the same street. The Stepfath. cheats on her, she having 3 kids from him after Tiffany. 1 time Tiffany offers to take care of the kids, so her ma goes to work, they learning of the accident 2 days later.

Her ma takes 2 mos to recover, but her brain is damaged permanently, and she becomes mentally ill. They live with their g/ma til she is out, then Tiff helps her ma relearn all their tasks, but now she can't stop her inner monologue. Her ma loves her, but didn't like her. Tiffany becomes caregiver to everyone, but her g/ma and g-g/ma recognized how much she did. By the time Tiffany is 9 her ma becomes violent though, she attributing her not growing boobs for how well she could take a punch.

Tiffany would go to school with fight bruises on her face. Her ma became erratic like a teenager, and couldn't get enough of her ex-hubby, still going after him. Then at 21, her step pop confesses to her ma's car accident, trying to be taking out her and the kids, but Tiffany's offer to babysit, ruining his plan. When he sobers, he denies his story, but also offers to do the same thing for her...

Tiffany dates cops to get him in trouble, she dating a lawyer as well for more info. She learns his confession came too late, despite offering to do it again, she not being able to tell if he was messing with her. Foster care is Tiffany's life between the ages of 13-18, but g/ma got them out when she was 14, she just left them in the system for the cash. The baby is hit with a 2x4, her ma trying to hit the neighbor, and so she's hospitalized and diagnosed with Schizophrenia.

G/ma ends up stepping up after and agrees to take parenting classes. Tiffany stays in FC for 2 yrs though, and they were bad yrs, so comedy comes in handy. Older girls would torment them, so she went with physical comedy, but it doesn't help, so fortunately she goes to a home in 2 days. The pothead woman is nice enough, but puts her to work.

At least she took them to see movies, but her 2 younger FC bros were pervs. Tiffany learns a week later of her little FC bro running at her nekkid with a condom on. Pothead is a bitch and blames her, smacking her in the mouth. So, when school starts she's still stuck with them.

She learns at 19 the old man in the house molested her, not knowing since it didn't hurt her, it isn't bad, she's 13. She used to put in her act how instead of saying, "someone hurt your peepee", etc, titty sucking is bad, too though. Tiffany tries hard to get in a gang, but she can't get anyone to accept her. So she is allowed to chill but not join. Tiffany must go through the court system to get her drivers license, since g/ma won't sign off, and by 18, Tiffany is homeless.

Her 1st memory is of her dad headbutting her mom, then punching himself. This is due to Tiffany's ma throwing hot water on her pop because he'd been cheating, and she hadn't even left a mark on him, Tiffany being 3, and traumatized, tearing her lil baby hair out. She sees her pop again at 27 for her wedding, but ditches her again when she starts her book, she showering him with gifts, then after he leaves without saying anything, tells her of feeling bad by how she'd given him everything he'd asked. She unfortunately doesn't understand what her pop's deal is, though.

At 23, her g/ma lets her live in 1 of her homes, her ma accosting her when she leaves for an event one time, and hits Tiffany with a detached rearview mirror due to wearing a short skirt, she leaving. As Tiffany leaves, she sees the humor, but also is quite sad since she'd been giving Tiffany shit for a short skirt, and her ma's way of warning her against pervs is met with her illness. After her walmart incident, she's been in and out of institutions since then. Titus is a bad ex and at 20, he 21, he lives with his ma, and they both work at LAX.

They get serious though, and sync up schedules. 8 mos in, Titus meets a pimp, so he loses his job and thinks he can start pimping, instead getting a new job, and borrowing Tiffany's car. 1 of Titus' 8 yr old sis' says Titus is pimping a stripper gf. Tiffany doesn't believe her, so she and Titus break up, but then he gets weird about her going on a cruise with her aunt, so he scrounges money from his ma, and starts harassing her on the trip.

This is when she meets her future ex-hubby, a cop, she too tunnel vision to see the red flags off him, too. She sticks with Titus for awhile longer, and finally realizes the truth of his cheating. When Titus dumps a videotape Tiffany finds when she's planning a raunchy piece of fun, she goes after it and calls her buddy for an adapter. She sees what he'd been doing on her b/day, and it's coaching his ho, Bertha on how Tiffany pleasures properly.

So when his fam starts trying to guilt trip her, she makes copies of Charlie's Angels and cuts it... She gives them as gifts for Christmas, and Titus gets a different gift... in his shoes. Tiffany offers Titus to play basketball, and gets him to put his shoe on. Part 2 is a call from Titus' ma at Tiffany's work, the kids having also been watching, with the whole fam.

G/ma threatens to sue if it gets out, and Tiffany still gets back at Titus, due to Bertha calling up. Tiffany's giving Bertha shit at first, but keeps chatting with her and learns she is dumb af. Bertha calls back the next day though, Titus telling of the shoes. Tiffany gets the idea to pimp Bertha and bypass Titus by giving her a cut.

Bertha is a happy camper, and even gets trained by a high class ho. Bertha lets Titus go, then Tiffany pimps Titus' buddies, setting them up with bar mitzvah Jewish ladies. This only lasts a short while, pimping not lucrative. Next ex is sweet, called Roscoe, he's only got 1 working arm, and is in a wheelchair, but ISN'T MENTALLY DISABLED (I caps because I’ve seen some reviews saying Tiffany was being insensitive, but states it’s only his voice). Tiffany becomes sympathetic, he starting to stick up for her, and she being impressed.

He starts asking her out always with respect, but this being during her Titus years. Tiffany is sad for months after her Titus breakup, and Roscoe keeps up the compliments. Finally she says yes, Roscoe is as happy as a whole clam bake, goes home, even though on duty, and she meets up with him at his group home. She's greeted warmly by an assortment of handicap folk, lining up to farewell Roscoe and Tiffany as they go to a white restaurant bar.

Roscoe makes a sweet statement, and enough to get him emotional, Tiffany concluding she was going to give him the fuck of his life. So, they go to her place and she puts on The Wiz, she having her plan, but Roscoe sidetracking her by singing every word. By then end, Tiffany starts making moves on him, and Roscoe gives her 3 warnings before he pops off and she's met with a stallion. Roscoe surprises the hell out of her and gives her a helluva ride, but he looking crazy scary with concentration, so she goes for the other way around, this working out way better.

After 2 extra days of fun, the day after she guiltily breaks up with him. It is public, and he makes it loud, and insults her puss, Tiffany sitting for the rest of her lunch break in shock. After, Roscoe straight up ditches work, and when she goes to his group hom, the girl who answers the 1st time states he'd left, Tiffany still bootiful, though; girl has Down Syn. Tiffany learns from the people who run the home of Roscoe not saying where he'd moved.

Tiffany recognizes her shallowness, and still loves him, hoping to get back in touch. Tiffany quits comedy at 18 and comes back at 22, Bertha giving her shit, when she is still pimping her. When Titus, Bertha, and she get drunk on .99 cent beer, they fuck right next to her on the floor, so Tiffany gets pissed, stomps Bertha's back proper, and clocks Titus in the mouth, she letting go of the pimping business. Then, she has a medical scare and goes to therapy, the therapist laughing and asking if she did comedy.

Soon, she's coaxed back into doing open mike. Apparently, her illness goes away with the help of comedy, and Titus is still trying to come back to her. Tiffany gets paid 50 bux for 15 minutes, a women's event, and she coming with a buddy. When she starts her set, she starts getting heckled with compliments, and then realizes it is a lezzie event.

So, she doubles up on the dick jokes. Then, it gets dark when they get annoyed by the man jokes, she making her 15 minutes though, and 50 bux; Tiffany spins it to the positive as a paid win. Back on dating, Tiffany has trouble and comedy messing up relationships. Another crazy ex gets mad about hearing the Roscoe story, then gets jealous over her being nice to a handicap worker.

She dates a cop who she leaves before getting in trouble for theft. A lawyer she dates is nice, but much older, in his 60s, it doesn't work for a couple reasons, 1 being age-related. Tiffany does recognize her problem with who she's attracted to, and how it's still work in progress, she trying to wait for a good man to come to her. Tiffany then goes over her dark days with her ex hubby, wanting to be able to teach others from her mistakes.

Ex Hubby is met on the cruise when she's with Titus, and it seems he is filming her with Titus throughout the vacay. She's only interested, since he's a black cop, he showing up in New Orleans from Atlanta. She doesn't think anything of it, due to all the things he is doing for her. Ex hubby even shows her the video he'd recorded of her on the cruise, it being creepy af, but she ignoring it.

It turns out she realizes much later how controlling he is, getting too choke happy. Oddly, Jehovah's Witnesses urge her to divorce him, but she having a show at night, everyone knowing she had a problem, but she not asking for help, since she wanted to make things work. What finally does it is seeing a txt from a female. She still back slides and remarries him, and this time he ropes her for a grand for his 11 yr old daughter he didn't tell her about, and claiming the cash was for their rent. Who's Got Jokes is what bumps her career, even though she bombs the 2nd round.

She doesn't name all the names though, some dickheads trying to keep her down. Kevin Hart helps her find an apt to get her out of living out of her car, which she still had as of the publishing of this book. Scientology story is yummy, as well. She also has a funny outing with Jada Pinkett and Will Smith, as well as learning she couldn't handle an asst rooting around her stuff, and when she hires her best friend, she can't handle being coddled.

Tiffany also learns from the soaps of how to avenger herself from Hollywood racism. Dave Chappelle meets Tiffany in Ohio, so she makes sure to network offering to do a show with him, but they can't make it happen, Tiffany joking, but sounding a bit miffed for the empty promise. What gets her career going is getting herself interviewed on Arsenio Hall's revival show, and Tyler Perry seeing it, which is how she gets the Carmichael Show, she even getting an innocent date with Arsenio. Tiffany gets her ma into a facility in Norwalk, and they figure out the right cocktail to make her ma act normal, but she takes her out at her ma's request, and stops taking her meds, so goes back to being nuts.

So, Tiffany hopes to buy a duplex 1 day, and hire a nurse for her, so she could live comfortably. Jada schools Tiffany how to work for endorsements for pricey clothes. Her pop dies as she's working on her book in 2017, so she has a decade with him, sort of, and after he dies, she's told by her cousin of the fam back in Africa needing her help to secure their land before the gov't learns of his death, since he is a King in his village, and they were at war currently. So, now Tiffany knows she's a Queen, since she's the last living direct relative, now owning a coffee/spice business, houses, what serves as a hotel, and some farm animals.

An epic, triumph for Tiffany Haddish, it drags you through the mud with her and it's totally worth the ride. As for everyone mentioning Roscoe's section, out of all the reviews I read, so many are offended by the idea of Tiffany dating a guy who sounds like he's got marbles in his mouth, but no one seems to mention how he isn't mentally handicapped, and even if he was, Tiffany wants to give the fella a chance. Regardless, this is a funny, crazy life which has the audiobook ending in a song written and sung by Tiffany.