Tales of the Jackalope #7

By Robert L. Crabb

Continuing from previous, Smokey biffs off, and supposedly goes underground, in Cali, meanwhile, mtn lions were pestering tourists, and were at large. In, WY, gorilla masks were stolen from a novelty shop, which flummoxed the cops, til at a nat'l park, people were being thieved by "gorillas" going after autos, snacks, and weaponry, which was quieted in the media by park rangers. Soon, they were interrogating all bears, then shipping a couple to the San Diego Zoo for "observation", everyone thinking it was done. There is then an escape attempt mission by cougars riding condors over the zoo (the cougars looking like bears...), during working hours, but it goes South, since Roger, a carrier pigeon on a mission of his own, does a side-trip getting him detained for being a "stool pigeon", he having crapped on Nixon's statue in O.C..

The Nat'l guard get the bears loose, and they steal a bus, go to the Sierra Nevadas, and no one knows what occurs after. Suicide is shown walking on the highway feeling dejected by the world by humans trying to kill them, when he passes some roadkill he knew and still owes him cash, but he letting this go, knowing the gopher'd recently been diagnosed with cancer. As Suicide sits to await death by bus, it stops, the bear asking directions, it being the "Freedom Riders" of bears. Meanwhile, Jr's at his decently large stump house, when he's interrupted by a knock, and seeing a bus outside, slamming the door as Suicide ID's himself, he and his commanding officer entering and explaining their mission, one of the innocent bystanders coming in to relate his story of some assholes sawing off the top part of his beak and now he couldn't eat, they rather torturing him then put him out of his misery.

This and some more fighting words, with the agreement no one'd be harmed, Jr helps lead them through the mtn. As Jr is accompanied to the bus, the bear admits to a cougar of definitely killing Jr, if it needed to happen, but they requiring their ammo for the true enemy. Next, a German (sabre-toothed) Jackalope is shown, hopefully extinct, for it's terrifying abilities to decimate. Also an "Agropelter", a dumb concepted creature, which pelts shells from atop their hollow trees if a logger tries to do their jobs on their home.

Gollywogs, huge salamanders, slime their prey and overturn boats, drowning people, since the water becomes too slippery to swim out of or climb back into boats, and since night boating is illegal, reports are few. "The Legend of the Stream Shark" is narrated by the "Old Coot", Jr asking him whilst they strolled, why stream sharks despised jackalopes. Coot 1st explains all the creatures who stayed in the drying sea, got themselves extinct, with the exception of the wooly trout, they able to go upstream in the colder climate, Coot having a coat out of 1's skin passed down in his fam, a "hairloom"! These wooly trout weren't safe from sharks though, who follow them, and have them trapped for food, now.

Meanwhile, a hella dumb jackalope called Buford was setting in the freezing water, when a shark nips him, he not feeling temp so much, but pain being intolerable, esp when accompanied by jeers. Buford gets pissed by the sharks, so he somehow wedges loose a chunk of granite which rolls a cliff atop the stream. Now, the stream is split to ways, 1 with the trout, and the sharks separated. This is why sharks hate jackalopes, fam. feud-style.

So, predicting a storm coming their way, Coot goes home, but not before cold-cocking Jr. in the gut for not believing him. The prick; Jeez, I'm satisfied I completed this slowly devolving ride. The illustrations were mostly entertaining, at least.