Stupid, Stupid Rat-Tails (Issue 1-3)
By Jeff Smith
So I said I'd be continuing the Bone series immediately, but it turns out there's a side story to read, which apparently involves the Founder of Boneville, Big Johnson Bone (great name). Big Johnson, before he discovered Rolling Bone River on his adventures as a frontier hero, is currently happy to be on the road, his companion bringing to light of he having been kicked out of town, so not having much choice, the other speaker being a monkey, Mr. Pip who was riding atop a donkey, and had won him in a card game, Mr. Pip accused Johnson of having cheated. Johnson denies this, stating it was luck which had made his hand a winner, but Mr. Pip had seen a card fall from his sleeve, Johnson clarifying by relating a rambling story of why this had occurred, but by the time he'd finished, the monkey and donkey were asleep. The next day, Johnson is relating another tale of asparagus, when Mr. Pip notices Johnson seemed to be drawing a map, he explaining of how he could draw a map of somewhere they hadn't been yet rather than helping them return to where they were, he being a great explorer and when being accused a liar, makes one of those statements which one would demand retribution from a higher power to strike them down, Johnson asking for a twister, and actually getting one.
Johnson makes himself useful, though when they're caught up in the twister by getting a hold of a tree trunk and grabbing hold, commanding Mr. Pip and donkey to do likewise and ride out the storm. They soon get spit out of the twister, Johnson claiming to have been done with the ride anyways, and the three landing near some rat creatures. They run off, with the rat creatures in hot pursuit, Mr. Pip in woe to his fate (I am noticing the change in writing since it isn't Smith this time, it's only slightly annoying, but since the story moves along, it's fairly ignorable). The rat creatures lose the group though, and the two decide to go back to wait for more mammals to fall from the sky.
After realizing the creatures were no longer chasing them, Johnson attempts to orient himself to his surroundings, and is blown away by the beautiful sight of a place unknown. Mr. Pip hears something rustling and gets scared, but Johnson, being sick of running, whips out a dagger to defend them with, but uncovers a family of mice who talk a lot of breakfast and whether Johnson had appeared because of Lily's wish. Johnson is soon bombarded by many questions, starting with who Johnson was and then repeating whether he was there to save them like Lily had wished, Johnson asking what they could need saving from in a beautiful place like their home, they all leading him to someone called Stillman, who would explain the situation. They soon meet other creatures of the forest, everyone asking about where he'd come from and whether Johnson would save them when Stillman makes his appearance known by dropping a rock on Johnson's head and commanding he leave, the creatures of the forest sticking up for Johnson, he asking why Stillman was throwing rocks when he could be breathing fire, Stillman explaining of the fire reflux he had upon trying, making himself ill.
Johnson empathizing the unfortunateness of Stillman's situation and then learns why the forest critters needed saving, Stillman relaying it being caused by the rat creatures attempting to expand their territory and eating the younger animals parents. Johnson then considers if these rat creatures were one and the same to those who had chased him and his companions, Johnson deciding to peace pipe for a moment and have a think on a way to help everyone out of the rat creature problem. A view of the rat creature Queen conversing with one of her subjects of being groomed and the loss of her husband to bad pork. Then the two rat creatures who had run into Bone and group came in to inform their Queen of the creatures falling from the sky and their escape, she commanding a party to be made to discover them and bring them back to her.
As the rat creatures searched, Johnson was telling another yarn about trapping critters and being the best, which was similar to what the rat creatures were doing, but he explaining the main differentiation between himself and the rat creatures was he was going to help the animals defeat the rat creatures, they watching on the group around their campfire. Stillman then makes the point of the group being better off waiting for the dragon council to restate a new protector of the forest before Johnson brought them to war with the rat creatures, but Johnson being adamant they needed to act first, the rat creatures agreeing and stepping into the light, Johnson relating this experience to be like another with mountain lions, this issue ending. So, it moves along, but it does get repetitive with the rambling anecdotes of Johnson; I prefer Jeff Smith, thank you, but as a completist, I will be finishing due to the series only including three parts. So away on to the next!
Big Johnson is relating his story of mountain lions as he begins to kick rat creatures' booty. Other creatures who have cornered some of the young critters, before closing in further hear cries of pain, which stops them, they looking around to identify where the sounds are coming from. They see what's happening to their comrades, they being tossed around by their tails, the critters shouting to Big Johnson words of encouragement. Stillman is struggling with not doing anything to help and so decides on dropping a rock on the rat creatures, but it backfires by hitting Johnson on the head, freeing the rat creature, and all deciding to retreat, but not empty-handed, grabbing two critters of the forest before leaving.
When the rat creatures relate what had happened to them, the Queen decides to recruit her son to deal with Johnson. Meanwhile Johnson was coming to his senses, sort of, and talking of the handy uses the rat creatures bodies could be used for to make some cash. Johnson then describes a plan where everyone would be able to help rescue the two young animals, Mr. Pip thinking he'd cracked how Johnson had a story for everything, including how he'd lost and regained his sanity, which he did, but Mr. Pip's idea was a bit different from the real story. The animals were quite scared of going to fight the rat creatures though, so Johnson tries to remember the last time he'd been afraid, unable to do so, but knowing at some point he had, and attempted to comfort them with encouraging words.
One animal gets motivated, and decides to go along, back to Queen Maud for her speech to her people and how she was going to need their assistance is then shown. The rat creatures run off to do her bidding, the Queen's son, stuck somehow and trying to struggle loose so he can come along too. In the forest, another animal is now bent on tagging along, as well, stressing Stillman with the madness of the situation. Johnson decides Mr. Pip would stay with Stillman and the other animals to relate his story if anything happened which wasn't planned, Pip agreeing.
As Johnson and group walked, they inquired of his other adventures, Johnson obliging, and whilst he continued to describe a scary story, some rat creatures had begun trailing them and gave themselves away with getting spooked by the story. The rat creatures run off, Johnson after them, but he runs into the Queen's son, he a big'n, asking if they were the creatures his mama had told him about which were giving her headaches. Meanwhile, Stillman was still beating himself up about being a failure at his job, Pip trying to quiet him for not being able to do anything about it now. Stillman has grown some courage though, and decides to attempt to do his job properly, leaving the camp, the donkey going after him with Pip complaining of breaking the promise they'd made to Johnson to stay and relate his story, he riding atop the donkey.
Back to Johnson who was convincing the big rat creature, Tyson of they not being mammals, Tyson believing him and leaving the message if they were to run into the mammals to let them know of he coming for them. Johnson and group are almost home free when some other rat creatures rat them out. Tyson grabs them, but then Stillman has caught up and actually makes his aim when he lobs another rock at a rat creature, but not in time before Tyson consumes Johnson and the rest, Mr. Pip trying to interest the rat creatures in a pet: himself. This installment was a little less annoying, so I'm glad to report I'm not as hesitant to finish the last.
Tyson is currently having some issues with a tummy ache and being scolded for not chewing before consuming. The rat creature guards were then leading the captured, Mr. Pip, Stillman, and donkey to having a word with the Queen before they shared the same fate as their friends, Stillman again giving himself a hard time, and Mr. Pip contemplating a position as cook for the rat creatures. When they meet the Queen, she shuts Mr. Pip down on the front of he being another servant, so he plays to her ego, but all it does is help her decide in which order she would eat them, then scolding Tyson some more about he needing to learn to chew if he was ever going to be king. What's happened with Big Johnson and the others is given, they being in the throat hole still, and Johnson deciding the only way out was down.
Mr. Pip and gang were in the pantry, of course, they a bit disappointed by Stillman not being able to save them, he again accepting his failure wholeheartedly. Pip was stressing how he hadn't won the Queen over, the rat creatures advising them to stop worrying, for tainting their meaty flavors, and what they had in store for the rest of the forest being similar. This prospect must have made Stillman ill, since next is the rat creatures crispy and in shock Stillman could breathe fire, Pip being faced away from them and complaining of the noise for attempting to figure a way out. Meanwhile Johnson is relating another story of how slippery another experience he had was in comparison of their current surroundings not being as bad, the area rumbling, and Tyson announcing of not feeling well, still.
The doctor is sent for, who gives guesses as to what could be ailing Tyson, seeing inside his stomach again to view Johnson and kids still falling, until hitting the juicy bottom and being met with more creatures on the "shore", they being the parents of the orphaned children, a happy reunion ensuing. Stillman is now going off to confront the Queen, viewing she is still pleading with the doctor for a diagnosis, then being interrupted by one of her minions. He reports of Stillman escaping, he coming right to them, but then realizing how many rat creatures he was soon to be dealing with, the doctor trying to coax out any wood elves which may be causing Tyson's problem. Johnson is now trying to rally the group into building a fire, due to he being chilled, they making a honking bonfire, one of the kids even locating a musical instrument, Johnson ready to rock.
Tyson is feeling the heat and the doctor then hears singing, thinking the culprit is fire sprites, Tyson now becoming sick to his stomach, he hurling Johnson and group out, Stillman being urged to blast some fire at the Queen, Tyson then attempting to defend her. Johnson has the idea to have the donkey run up Tyson's tail, the same idea as before, to use Tyson's "rudder" in his favor. When Tyson passes out from his doing a partial removal of his own body, the Queen believes Johnson wouldn't dare to do anything similar to her, Johnson admiring her fur coat. The group leaves and they inquire of where Johnson would go, they wanting him to stay as their protector, but he reminding them of Stillman's usefulness, and he needing to see more of the world.
As the animals discuss how events could have turned out without Johnson having been there, Stillman then defends himself after hearing another downside, upon turning around, realizing it was the dragon from the high council, Red Dragon. Red Dragon then decides Stillman was doing a fine job and appointed him his position again, officially, Stillman ready for the challenge. The Queen is then speaking with her subjects of how the new decree of tail-cutting-off day would be implemented and the reason being caused by Johnson and his usage of them. Johnson is relating his tale to a visitor in his trade shop, and discovering how he'd purchased it and had Mr. Pip running it, the man seeing his new head wear, and Johnson saying farewell to continue adventuring. A fit ending since we now know why the rat creatures go around without tails, this shaped up to be a fairly decent story.
We then get the Bone: Holiday Special Premiere Edition, which is a fun one. Now, back to the main story!
