Scurvy Dogs: Rags to Riches

By Andrew Boyd

Pirates are threatening some poor lepers, and don't have nuffin'. So, the 2nd pirate stabs 1 of the lepers, they getting 4 doubloons out of him, prompting the Cap to wage massacre, calling them pinatas of the sea! Despite no more money coming from killing the rest, this story isn't taken well by the young lady listening, half Portuguese and Dutch, the Cap saying it was either of the 2.

Cap forces his crew to search thru a trash boat til they found enough money for their impound fees, he fearing they'd have to resort to landlubber work, 1 fella complaining since he had a vulture on his shoulder, Cap not caring. He announces the crew better have cover letters and kept up their resumes, but 2 are at least not surprised when ending up at a fish res. Some others try some different opportunities, though. Blackbeard threatens his way into the reception of the dumb prick taking it as a joke.

Another 1 scores becoming a dental hygienist because the doc and nurse were on drugs. It only lasts 1 patient til he's let go, ofc. The 2 at the fish res, quit, 1 taking the lead on this in preference of something more fulfilling. 1 pirate even makes it to his 1st paycheck, but he's not satisfied for not being doubloons, then gets his funnyuns ripped off. Meanwhile, Blackbeard goes dark, threatening the boss for his watch and tooth fillings. By the end, Cap and another pirate swipe the ship by funny disguise and they ride off to sea.

Next episode, Cap relates Vikings from the future come after them, he relating this to the bartender, and how they'd made, "like Katherine Hepburn", which gets a big laugh. Monkeys are also buying drinks in the bar, 1 pirate, McDougal getting hit with a banana peel and getting pissed, but Cap talking him down. Jefe tells his experience which has him hate monkeys to this day, his dream of ever becoming a monkey superspy dashed... Cap asks for McDougal to play his song, Huey Lewis and the News' Hip to be Square.

The monkeys go ape, the pirates fighting them, and getting drunk with success, til they see the vandalized ship, they vowing revenge. They search for 3 days out at sea, not locating the monkeys. They do see a no nonsense Admiral GoofyFoot on the trail of a Tang-liner, and isn't sharing. Cap makes clear their own goals being Tangless, to which GoofyFoot tells how to get to Monkey Isle, to the annoyance of Jefe.

When getting there, another pirate advises his experience there before and being "rescued" by Greenpeace, the monkeys being further into the island. Then upon seeing how advanced their civilization is, Cap announces to the monkeys of blowing the place up in 10 secs, they releasing a big ape, so Blackbeard releases Lyme disease, and they wait him out for 4 mos, til he's showing signs. Then, Blackbeard trying to sell his giant monkey paw which only gave 2 kinds of wishes, and he's already gotten the cake, but the guy walks, so he uses his 2nd wish, it giving him the clap!

They've been on land for days, and it's making them feel odd, they tracking a quarry for 1 of his men's b/day. They are waylaid by hobos, so the pirates back off, for they were "hungry, hungry hobos". The pirates are captured, and Jefe asks the boss why he'd want to lead the hobos when he could be a normal mafia boss, with half the work and probably a suit. Well, Jefe triggers the Hobo mafia leader for not being ever able to become a pirate due to his swimmer's ear, so he takes him 1st to q.

Jefe is stuck in a cardboard box, and he tells of his background when he'd grown up in a place he referred to as Menudo Island. He and another boy who shared his b/day, Erik both had the goal to join Menudo and travel the world, but Erik's reasons were purely material. The life of a Menudian is odd, but ends with peace, and the whole thing planned by Desi Arnaz Jr. Well, Erik, and Jefe get into a days long gun fight when Erik confides of going to Cali, but knew he couldn't trust Jefe to keep his mouth shut, so decides to try murdering him.

Erik catches a plane, and Jefe meets Blackbeard who agrees to get him to Menuda Island. They move on to another pirate, who decides to share how he'd lost his hand. Biscuit had been working at Samba Juice, and had been told to make wheatgrass, he getting greedy to pick up a 4 leaf clover at the bottom of a blender, and it turns on. The next pirate they interview confesses before becoming a pirate, of being Wild Fighting Irish Pete Rose.

Pete Rose goes against his rival Evil Shemp, before only having been punching horses for cash before being discovered. He punches Shemp and he dies, Pete not having stopped running. Then, Biscuit returns to tell of how he'd actually lost his hand, the truth machine accepting this version, as well. Blackbeard reveals the hobos wouldn't be able to get anything out of Shanghai Pete, due to being mute, which occurred by cruel joke.

So, they force Blackbeard to drink a concoction which'd make him talk. Biscuit reveals a 3rd way he'd lost his hand involving a cat and ice cream cone. Then, the Hobo leader brings in a little girl reciting her Blackbeard report, which also includes his grisly death. Blackbeard tearfully admits it's all true, hobo king getting pissed and threatening to kill them all. Jefe sees his bird looking at them from above and thinks he's there to save them, at 1st. Blackbeard vows revenge.

Jefe's vulture comes down to him, he requesting he set him free, the bird pecking him loose, quite painfully. Jefe agrees to share how he'd gotten the bird later, they escaping by train boxcar. They next game plan their next move, Biscuit saying they should find Blackbeard's bro, Bluebeard, and since no 1 had a better idea, they end up at a nice house. Gary lets them in, and tells of having been helped gain his new life through plowshares.

This makes it possible for Gary to get set up on an acre, and make enough to survive. He also starts an okra and figurine business. When he hears how Eddie had destroyed the boat he'd stolen from him, he starts choking him out. When he's held back, he reveals how this is as bad as when Eddie'd taken Ariel, his mermaid.

What actually happens to Gary's story of seeing the girl, having a quick affair, whilst knowing she is Eddie's. Then, he blames his bro for killing her, which actually turns out to be Eddie revealing Gary had taken pics of himself with Eddie's pet manatee and butchering, then bbqing it. Gary gets nasty when he shares where Eddie'd gotten his name, since Gary'd been named after their, or his pop. Eddie wishes to wipe the slate clean to get Gary's help, the crew and he constructing something which takes many days, Eddie mcing for the Intl Monster of Rock Tribute show.

All the legends perform, Banjovie, Mos Def Leppard, as well as double cover bands, Ratt Poison, and Great WhiteSnake. Blackbeard is confronting the hobo mafia leader, who declares he'd never be free from him. Blackbeard relates this was the reason he wouldn't be going to the authorities, but of they planning on killing him, and Biscuit adding they were going to eat him. When they're at sea, Blackbeard breaks Bluebeard's cherished record, then has him chucked overboard. Fortunately, he's picked up by GoofyFoot, who had a questionable area for poor Gary to scrub...

Blackbeard's crew is transporting boxes of goods til Rod Stewart interrupts, they turning him away for being a wino, but the device around Rod's neck explaining he is actually behind Rod's presence, he giving his origin story. In 1979, he is used on a TV show, then gets dropped, until being found by a fella wanting to become a superstar, and almost broke the device open for candy. Instead, the doc admits being a robot from the future, and advises he pretend he's a clock, so he could use his power, the fella agreeing. Doc has some good time til the fella sells him on Ebay.

This brings him to Rod and now he is presenting the crew with a contract, Blackbeard bound to make appearances on Yo! 60 Minutes RAPS! and Everyone Loves Rayguns. Jefe gets covered on Battle of the Network Stars when he beats up Mr. Kotter. Pappy Biscuit shows how to get meat off of human skull to Regis, but he electrocutes himself on the microwave. Then an ad which includes a long list of video games, 1 called Return to Castle Nazieface. Then, the doc trades Rod for a young college student, who he has storm out dramatically, the pirates leaving for their ship.

Funny, violent little series. I'd read them if they made more!