Monty Python and the Holy Grail The Screenplay

By Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michael Palin

This is going to be another one I barely change since it’s so perfectly written, some of the parts I’ve summarised but it’s rare, mostly word for word quote.

From the start of credits listed which have titles like: Mønti Pythøn Ik den Hølie Grailen and Røtern nik Akten Di - listing actors, Alsø wik, Alsø also wik, Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër? See the løveli lakes, The wønderful telephone system, And mani interesting furry animals all of which listing different crew lists. The usual spiel stating: The character’s and incidents portrayed and the names used are fictitious, etc, is concluded with ‘[Signed Richard M. Nixon]‘, underneath this: Including the majestic møøse, the list of songs and additional music, A møøse once bit my sister… the costume designer beneath, No realli! She was karving her initials on the møøse with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge - her brother-in-law an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: ‘The Høt Hands of an Oslo Dentist‘, ‘The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink‘. Then, We apologise for the fault in the subs.

Those responsible have been sacked. Mynd you, møøse bites kan be pretty nasti… We apologise again for the fault in the subs. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.

A little down the list of credits, there’s: Møøse trained to mix concrete and sign complicated insurance forms by, møøse’s noses wiped by, Large møøse on the left half side of the screen in the 3rd scene from the end, given a thorough grinding in Latin, French and O Level Geography by Antler-care by, The directors of the firm hired to continue the credits after the other people had been sacked, wish it to be known they have just been sacked, The credits have been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute. Exceutive Production ‘Ralph‘ The Wonder Llama, Assisted by: all surnames Llama (III, IX) for 2 of them. Directed by 40 Specially Trained Ecuador: an Mtn Llamas, 6 Venezuelan Red Llamas, 142 MX Whooping Llamas, 14 North Chilean Guanacos (closely related to the Llama), Reg Llama of Brixton, 76,000 Battery Llamas, From Llama-Fresh Farms LTD, Near Paraguay and Terry and Terry

England AD 932

Ext. CASTLE WALLS. DAY. Mist. Several seconds of it swirling about.

Silence. Possibly, atmospheric music. Super impose ‘England AD 787‘. After a few more seconds we hear hoofbeats in the distance.

Slowly, out of the mist comes King Arthur followed by a Servant who is banging 2 halves of coconuts together. Arthur raises a hand and says, woah there! Servant makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish.

Arthur peers through the mist, a castle (e.g. Bodium) rising out of the mist. On the battlements a Soldier is dimly seen. He peers down. Soldier says, halt! Who goes there!

Arthur says, it is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from Castle of Camelot, King of all Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England. Pause.

Soldier says, get away!

Arthur says, I am… and this is my trusty servant, Patsy. We’ve ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of Knights who will join our Court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

Soldier says, what? Ridden on a horse?

Arthur says, yes.

Soldier says, your using coconuts and banging them together. Arthur scornfully says, so? We’ve ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the Kingdom of Mercia. Soldier asks, where’d you get the coconuts?

Arthur says, through…we found them.

Soldier says, found them? In Mercia. The coconut’s tropical.

Arthur says, the swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover seek hot lands in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.

A moments pause. The Soldier says, are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

Arthur says, not at all. They could be carried.

Soldier says, what? A swallow carrying a coconut?

Arthur says, it could grip it by the husk…

Soldier says, it’s not a question of where he grips it, it’s a simple matter of weight - ratios… a 5oz bird couldn’t hold a 1lbs coconut.

Arthur says, well, it doesn’t matter. Go tell your master Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here. A slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence.

Soldier says, look! To maintain velocity a swallow needs to beat its wings 493 times every second. Right?

Arthur irritated says, please!

Soldier says, am I right?

Arthur says, I’m not interested.

2nd Soldier who has loomed up on the battlements says, it could be carried by an African swallow.

1st Soldier says, oh yes! An Africal swallow maybe… but not by a European swallow. That’s my point.

2nd Soldier says, oh yes, I agree there…

Arthur losing patience says, will you ask your master, if he wants to join the Knights of Camelot?

1st Soldier says, but then of course African swallow are non-migratory.

2nd Soldier says, oh yes.

Arthur raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to Patsy. They turn and go off into the mist.

1st Soldier says, so they wouldn’t be able to bring a coconut back anyway. The Soldiers voices recede behind them.

2nd Soldier says, wait a minute! Suppose 2 swallow carried it together?

1st Soldier says, no, they’d have to have it on a line.

Stillness. Silence again. Big close-up of contorted face upside down. A leg falls across it. Creaking noise. The bodies lurch away from camera to reveal they’re amongst a huge gile of bodies on a swaying cart which is lumbering away from camera. It’s pulled by a couple ragged, dirty emaciated Wretches. Behind the cart walks another Man who looks slightly more prosperous, but only on the scale of complete and utter impoverishment. He wears a black hood and looks sinister.

Cart Driver says, bring out your dead! We fallow the cart through a wretched, impoverished plague-ridden village. A few starved mongrels run about in the mud scavenging. In the open doorway of one house perhaps we just glimpse a pair of legs dangling from the ceiling. In another doorway an Old Woman is beating a cat against a wall rather like one does with a mat. The cart passes round a dead donkey or cow in the mud, and a Man tied to a cart is being hammered to death by 4 nuns with huge mallets.

Cart Driver says, bring out your dead!

There are legs sticking out of windows and doors. 2 Men are fighting in the mud - covered from head to foot in it. Another Man is on his hands and knees shovelling mud into his mouth. We just catch sight of a Man falling into a well.

Cart Driver says, bring out your dead!

Some Peasants drag a body up to the cart. It stops. They load the body on to the cart and the Cart Driver receives some payment. Further down the road a Large Man comes out of a house and the cart stops again The Large Man is carrying the Body of an old man by the scruff of the neck and seat of the pants.

Cart Driver says, bring out your dead!

Large Man says, here’s one!

Cart Driver says, ninepence.

Body says, I’m not dead.

Cart Driver says, what?

Large Man says, nothing. There’s your ninepence.

Body says, I’m not dead.

Cart Driver says, ‘Ere. He says he’s not dead.

Large Man says, yes he is.

Body says, I’m not.

Cart Driver says, he isn’t.

Large Man says, he will be soon. He’s very ill.

Body says, I’m getting better.

Large Man says, you’re not. You’ll be stone dead in a few minutes.

Cart Driver says, I can’t take him like this. It’s against regulations.

Body says, I don’t want to go on the cart.

Large Man says, don’t be such a baby.

Cart Driver says, I can’t take him.

Body says, I feel fine.

Large Man says, do me a favor.

Cart Driver says, I can’t.

Large Man says, well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won’t be long.

Cart Driver says, I promised I’d be at the Robinsons. They’ve lost 9 today.

Large Man says, when’s your next round?

Cart Driver says, Thursday.

Body says, I think I’ll go for a walk.

Large Man says, you’re not fooling anyone, you know. (To Cart Driver) Isn’t there anything you could do?

Body (singing unrecognisably), I feel happy, I feel happy.

The Cart Driver looks at the Large Man for a moment. They they both do a quick furtive look up and down the street. The Cart Driver very swiftly brings up a club and hits the Body. (Out of shot but the singing stops after a loud bonk noise.)

Large Man (handing over the money at last) says, thanks very much.

Cart Driver says, that’s all right. See you Thursday. They turn… Suddenly all in the village fall to their knees, touching forelocks etc. Arthur and Patsy ride into shot, slightly nose in the air, they ride through without acknowledging anybody. After they pass, the Large Man turns to the Cart Driver.

Large Man asks, who’s that then?

Cart Driver says, he hasn’t got shit all over him.

Arthur and Patsy riding. They stop and look. We see a castle in the distance, and before it a Peasant is working away on his knees tryiing to dig the earth with his bare hands and a twig.

Arthur and Patsy ride up, and stop before the Peasant. Arthur says, Old woman!

Dennis (turning) says, Man.

Arthur says, man. I’m sorry. Old man, what knight lives in that castle?

Dennis says, I’m 37.

Arthur says, what?

Dennis says, I’m only 37… I’m not old.

Arthur says, well, - I can’t just say: ‘Hey, Man!‘

Dennis says, you could say: ‘Dennis‘.

Arthur says, I didn’t know you were called Dennis.

Dennis says, you didn’t bother to find out, did you?

Arthur says, I’ve said I’m sorry about the old woman, but from behind you looked…

Dennis says, what I object to is you automatically treat me as an inferior…

Arthur says, well.. I am King. Dennis says, oh, very nice. King, eh! I expect you’ve got a palace and fine clothes and courtiers and plenty of food. And how’d you get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialistic dogma, which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our society! If there’s ever going to be any progress…

An Old Woman appears. Old Woman says, Dennis! There’s some lovely filth down here… Oh! How d’you do?

Arthur says, how d’you do, good lady.. I am Arthur, King of the Britons… can you tell me who lives in that castle?

Old Woman says, King of the who?

Arthur says, The Britons.

Old Woman says, who are the Britons?

Arthur says, all of us… we are all Britons.

Dennis winks at the Old Woman.

Arthur says, … and I am your King…

Old Woman says, ooooh! I didn’t know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective…

Dennis says, you’re fooling yourself. We’re living in a dictatorship, a self-perpetuating autocracy, in which the working classes…

Old Woman interrupts, there you are, bringing class into it again…

Dennis says, that’s what it’s all about… If only -

Arthur interrupts, please, please, good people, I am in haste. What knight lives in that castle?

Old Woman says, no one lives there.

Arthur says, well, who is your lord?

Old Woman says, we don’t have a lord.

Arthur says, what?

Dennis says, I told you, we’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune, we take it in turns to act as a sort of executive office for the week.

Arthur says, yes…

Dennis says, … but all the decisions of that officer…

Arthur interrupts, yes, I see.

Dennis continues, …must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs.

Arthur says, be quiet.

Dennis continues, but 2/3rds majority…

Arthur interrupts, be quiet! I order you to shut up.

Old Woman says, order, eh? Who does he think he is?

Arthur says, I am your King.

Old Woman says, well, I didn’t vote for you.

Arthur says, you don’t vote for kings.

Old Woman says, well, how did you become King, then?

Arthur says, the Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in purest shimmering, samite held Excalibur aloft from the bosom of the waters to signify by Divine Providence… I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur… that is why I am your King.

Dennis says, look, strange women lying on their backs in ponds handing over swords… that’s no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Arthur says, be quiet!

Dennis says, you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.

Arthur says, shut up!

Dennis says, I mean, if I went round saying I was an emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would put me away.

Arthur (grabbing him by the collar) says, shut up, will you. Shut up!

Dennis says, ah! Now… we see the violence inherent in the system.

Arthur says, shut up! People (i.e. other Peasants) are appearing and watching.

Dennis (calling) says, come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help, help, I’m being repressed!

Arthur (aware people are now coming out and watching) says, bloody peasant! (pushes Dennis over into the mud and prepares to ride off.)

Dennis says, oooooh! Did you hear that! What a give-away.

Arthur says, come on Patsy. They ride off.

Dennis (in the background as we pull out) says, did you see him repressing me, then? That’s what I’ve been on about…

Ext. Forest. Day. Mix through to Arthur and Patsy riding through the forest. They pass rune stones. We track with them. Close-ups of their faces as they ride.

Mix to another tracking shot of them riding through the forest. They come to a cleaning and stop, looking ahead intently. Their eyes light up. Sound FX of fight.

Cut to their eyeline. A clearing on the other side of which is a rough wooden footbridge across a stream. At the start of the bridge a tremendous fight is going on. A huge Black Knight in black armour, his face totally masked in a visor, is fighting a slightly smaller Knight in green armour. (Perhaps the Green Knight’s armour is identical to the Black Knight’s save for the colour.)

Cut back to Arthur and Patsy. They watch, growing more impressed as they watch the fight. Cut back to the fight. The Green Knight lunges at the Black Knight, who avoids the blow with a skilful side-step and parry, knocking the sword out of the Green Knight’s hand.

Cut back to Arthur and Patsy even more impressed. Cut back to the fight. The Green Knight has drawn out a particularly nasty mace or spiked ball and chain, much longer than the Black Knight will survive. Cut back to the fight.

The Green Knight swings at the Black Knight, who ducks under the first swing, leaps over the 2nd and starts to close on the Green Knight. Cut back to Arthur and Patsy watching like a tennis match. Sound FX of the fight reaching a climax. For almighty clangs.

Then silence. Cut back to see the Green Knight stretched out. The Black Knight sheathes his sword. Arthur looks at Patsy.

Nods and they move forward. Cut back to the Black Knight picking up the Green Knight above his head and hurling him into the river. Arthur and Patsy approach him.

Arthur says, you fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.

The Black Knight stares impressively and says nothing.

Arthur says, I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Hints of a pause as he waits for a reaction which doesn’t come. Arthur is only slightly thrown. …I seek the bravest and the finest knights in all the world to join me in my Court at Camelot… The Black Knight remains silent.

Arthur says, you have proved yourself worthy… Will you join me? Silence.

Arthur says, you make me sad. But so be it. Come, Patsy. As he moves, the Black Knight bars the way.

Black Knight says, none shall pass.

Arthur says, what?

Black Knight says, none shall pass.

Arthur says, I have no quarrel with you, brave Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.

Black Knight says, then you shall die.

Arthur says, I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside.

Black Knight says, I move for no man.

Arthur says, so be it.

Arthur draws his sword and approaches the Black Knight. A furious fight now starts lasting about 15 seconds at which point Arthur delivers a mighty blow which completely severs the Black Knight’s left arm at the shoulder. Arthur steps back triumphantly.

Arthur says, now stand aside, worthy adversary.

Black Knight says, (glancing at his shoulder) ‘Tis just a scratch.

Arthur says, a scratch? Your arm’s off.

Black Knight says, no it isn’t.

Arthur says (pointing to the arm on ground), what’s that then?

Black Knight says, I’ve had worse.

Arthur says, you’re a liar.

Black Knight says, come on, you pansy.

Another 10 seconds furious fighting til Arthur chops the Black Knight’s other arm off, also at the shoulder. The arm, plus sword, lies on the ground.

Arthur says, victory is mine. (Sinking to his knees.) I thank thee O Lord in thy…

Black Knight says, come on then.

Arthur says, what!

He kicks Arthur hard on the side of his helmet. Arthur gets up, still holding his sword. The Black Knight comes after him, kicking.

Arthur says, you are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.

Black Knight says, had enough?

Arthur says, you stupid bastard. You haven’t got any arms left.

Black Knight says, course I have.

Arthur says, look!

Black Knight says, what! Just a flesh wound. (Kicks Arthur.)

Arthur says, stop that.

Black Knight says (kicking him), had enough…?

Arthur says, I’ll have your leg. He is kicked. Right! The Black Knight kicks him again and Arthur chops his leg off. The Black Knight keeps his balance with difficulty. Black Knight says, I’ll do you for that.

Arthur says, you’ll what…?

Black Knight says, come here.

Arthur says, what are you going to do. Bleed on me?

Black Knight says, I am invincible.

Arthur says, you’re a loony.

Black Knight says, the Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!

Arthur takes his last leg off. The Black Knight’s body lands upright.

Black Knight says, all right, we’ll call it a draw.

Arthur says, come, Patsy. Arthur and Patsy start to cross the bridge.

Black Knight says, running away, eh? You yellow bastard, come back here and take what’s coming to you. I’ll bite your legs off!

Ext. Day. A village. Sound of chanting of Latin canon, a line of monks cracking whips to their backs as they chat and bang themselves on the foreheads with wooden boards as they pass a group of villagers who are dragging a beautiful young woman dressed as a witch through the streets. They drag her to a strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the village. A strange-looking knight stands outside, Sir Bedevere.

Villagers want to burn the young woman as a witch.

Bedevere asks how they know she was a witch.

They say she looked like one.

Witch responds they’d dressed her like this, and denies being a witch.

The villagers deny dressing her up and Witch also states they put on a false nose on her.

Bedevere takes the nose off and asks, well?

First Villager says, they had done the nose and the hat, but she’s a witch.

When Bedevere asks if they dressed her up.

First Villager says, um…Yes…no…a bit…yes…she has got a wart.

Bedevere asks why they think she’s a witch.

2nd Villager states she turned him into a newt.

Bedevere asks, a newt?

2nd Villager (after looking at himself for some time) says, he got better.

All the villagers say, burn her anyway.

Bedevere responds for them to quiet, there are ways of telling whether she’s a witch.

Arthur and Patsy ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest.

The Villagers say, there are? Tell them. What are they, wise Sir Bedevere?

3rd Villager asks, do they hurt?

Bedevere proceeds to ask clarifying questions like, what do they do with witches?

The answer being, burn them.

Bedevere then asks, and what do they burn, apart from witches?

4th Villager say, …Wood?

Bedevere asks, so why do witches burn?

2nd Villager (pianissimo) says, …because they’re made of wood?

Bedevere says, good.

Peasants stir uneasily, then come round to this conclusion.

Bedevere continues, so how can we tell if she’s made of wood?

First Villager says, make a bridge out of her.

Bedevere says, ah… but can you not also make bridges of stone?

The Villagers respond, ah. Yes, of course…um…er…

Bedevere asks, does wood sink in water?

The Villagers say, no, no, it floats. Throw her in the pond. Tie weights on her. To the pond.

Bedevere says, wait…and tell me what also floats on water?

The Villagers suggest, bread? no, no, no. Apples…gravy…very small rocks…

Bedevere says, no, no, no.

Arthur says, a duck!

They all turn and look at Arthur. Bedevere looks up very impressed.

Bedevere says, exactly. So…logically…

First Villager (beginning to pick up the thread) says, if she… weighs the same as a duck…she’s made of wood.

Bedevere asks, and therefore?

All say, a witch!…A duck! A duck! Fetch a duck.

4th Villager says, here’s a duck, Sir Bedevere. He says, we shall use my largest scales.

He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made of wood and rope and leather. They put the Girl in one pan and the duck in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. Bedevere checks each pan then…

Arthur looks on with interest.

Bedevere says, remove the supports. Two Peasants knock them away with sledgehammers. The Girl and the duck swing slightly but balance perfectly.

All Villagers say, a witch! A witch! Burn her! Burn her! Let’s make her into a ladder.

The Villagers drag the girl away, leaving Arthur and Bedevere regarding each other admiringly.

Bedevere asks, who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

Arthur says, I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

Bedevere immediately drops to his knees and says, my Liege…forgive me. Arthur looks at Patsy with obvious satisfaction.

Arthur asks, Good Sir Knight will you come with me to Camelot and join our number at the Round Table?

Bedevere says, my Liege, I’m honoured.

Arthur steps forward, drawing his sword, with a slight hint of difficult.

Arthur asks, what’s your name? Bedevere says, Bedevere, my Liege.

Arthur says, then I dub you… Sir Bedevere… Knight of the Round Table!

Heroic music as we mix through to a close-up of a book on which is written: THE BOOK OF THE FILM

Voice-Over says, the wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur’s Knights…but other illustrious names were soon to follow…

Hand turns page.

Voice says, Sir Lancelot the Brave…

Hand turns page.

Voice says, Sir Galahad the Pure…

Hand turns page.

Voice says, Sir Robin - the-not-quite-so-pure-as-Sir-Lancelot…

Hand turns page.

Voice says, …who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor….

Hand turns page.

Voice says, …who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol…

Hand turns page.

Voice says, … and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill … and the aptly named…

Hand turns page.

Voice says, Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film

Hand turns page.

Voice says, together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries… The Knights of the Round Table…

A gorilla’s hand snatches away the hand. Music swells and fades and we mix through to: Ext. Sunset. Fairly close head-on shot of the Knights riding along. Bedevere and Arthur at the front of the group deep in conversation.

Bedevere says, and that, my Lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.

Arthur says, this new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

Bedevere says, of course, my Liege… Launcelot (he points) says, look, my Liege! They all stop and look.

Arthur (with thankful reverence) says, Camelot!

Cut to shot of amazing castle in the distance. Illuminated in the rays of the setting sun. Music. Cut back to Arthur and the group. They’re all staring with fascination.

Galahad says, Camelot…

Launcelot says, Camelot…

Gawain (at the back, to Page) says, it’s only a model.

Arthur (turning sharply) says, sh! (to the rest.) Knights! I bid you welcome to your new home! Let us ride… to Camelot!

Int. Night. Cut to interior of medieval hall. A large group of armoured Knights are engaged in a well-choreographed song-and-dance routine of the very up-beat ‘If they could see me now‘ type of fast bouncy number. The poorer verses are made clearer by cutting to a group of Knights actually engaged in the described task while the line itself is sung. They sing: Knights sing,

we’re Knights of the Round Table
we dance when ‘er were able
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot

We’re Knights of the Round Table
Our shows are formidable
But many times
We’re given rhymes
That are quite unsingable
We’re opera mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.

Booming basses. A routine where 2 xylophonists play parts of Knight’s armour producing a pleasing effect.

Knights sing, in war were tough and able
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests
We sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable
It’s a busy life in Camelot.

Single Man sings, I have to push the pram a lot.

Cut back to Arthur and Bedevere and Company as we had left them.

Arthur says, no, on second thoughts let’s not go to Camelot.

Knights say, right!

Arthur says, its a silly place.

They set off again and almost immediately they’re suffused in an ethereal radiance and strange heavenly choir music. The Pages, horselike, take fright for a moment, they whinny and rattle their coconuts. Arthur and the Knights fall on their knees. A holy voice booms out.

God says, Arthur! Arthur…King of the Britons… They all prostrate themselves even further. Oh, don’t grovel… do get up! If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s people grovelling!!

Arthur and Company rise. Arthur says, sorry…

God says, and don’t apologise. Every time I try to talk to someone it’s sorry this and forgive me that and I’m not worthy and… just stand there. What are you doing now?

Arthur says, I’m averting my eyes, Lord.

God says, well, don’t. It’s like those miserable psalms. They’re so depressing. Now knock it off.

Arthur says, yes, Lord.

God says, right. Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times…

Arthur says, good idea, O Lord.

God says, course it’s a good idea. Suddenly another light glows beside God or possibly within the light which is God a shape slowly starts to form. Behold…Arthur… this is the Holy Grail… The form in the bright light is just discernible as an iridescent chalice… the Knights gasp. Look well, Arthur… for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail…It begins to fade. Music crescendo as both lights fade. …that is your purpose Arthur… the Quest for the Holy Grail… It is gone. All the Knights are left gasping in awe and wonderment. They all turn and look at Arthur.

Launcelot says, a blessing. A blessing from the Lord.

Galahad says, God be praised! Stirring music crescendo. They ride off.

Ext. Castle. Day.

Mix through one or two shots of them on their way again, until they approach a terrific castle (a little one would do too). They advance quite close to the castle and draw themselves into a line at a signal from Arthur 2 pages step forward and give a brief fanfare. A Man appears on the battlements. Arthur addresses him.

Arthur says, hello.

Man says, ‘allo. Whoo is eet?

Arthur says, I am King Arthur and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?

Man says, this is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

Arthur says, please go and tell your master we have been charged by God with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter this night he may join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

Man says, well, I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he’ll be very keen. He’s already got one, you see.

Arthur says, what?

Galahad says, he says, they’ve already got one.

They’re stunned. Arthur says, are you sure he’s got one?

Man says, oh yes. It’s very nice.

Cut to battlements. The Taunter (Man) turns to some others: Man says, I told them we already got one. They all giggle.

Arthur says, well, can we come up and have a look?

Man says, of course not. You’re English pigs.

Arthur says, well, what are you, then?

Man says, I’m French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly King.

Galahad says, what are you doing in England?

Man says, mind your own business.

Arthur says, if you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle. Murmurs of assent.

Man says, you don’t fright us, English pig-dog. Go and boil your bottom, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you so-called Arthur King, you and your silly English K…niggets. He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.

Galahad says, what a strange person.

Arthur says, now look here, my good man.

Man says, I don’t want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.

Galahad says, is there someone else up there we could talk to?

Man says, no. Now go away or I shall taunt you a 2nd time.

Arthur says, now this is your last chance. I’ve been more than reasonab… Cut back to battlements.

Man says, fetchez la vache!

Soldier says, quoi?

Man Repeats, fetchez la veche! A cow is led out of a stall. Cut back to Arthur.

Arthur says, now that is my final offer. If you’re not prepared to agree to my demands, I shall be forced to take… oh Christ! A cow comes flying over the battlements, lowing aggressively. The cow lands on Galahad’s Page, squashing him completely.

Arthur says, right! Knights! Forward!

Arthur leads a charge towards the castle. Various shots of them battling on, despite being hit by a variety of farm animals.

Arthur (as the Man next to him is squashed by a sheep) says, Knights! Run away! Midst echoing shouts of ‘run away‘ the Knights retreat to cover with the odd cow or goose hitting them still. The Knights crouch down under cover.

Launcelot says, the sods! I’ll tear them apart.

Arthur (restraining Launcelot from going out and having a go) says, no!

Bedevere says, I have a plan, sir.

Cut back to battlements of a castle. French Sentries suspiciously peering towards the English lines. Wind whistles. Shot of the empty scrubland or undergrowth or woodland around the castle.

Emptiness. Wind. More shots of the French Sentries peering into the dusk. During all this the sounds of extensive carpentry have possibly been heard, followed by silence, followed by renewed outbursts of activity. Close-up on French looking very nervous. Dawn breaking. Shot of woodland. Nothing. Wind.

Dawn still breaking. Shots of the French. They suddenly hear something. A faintly detectable squeaking which is getting louder.

Shot of the Chief Taunter pointing. Wide shot again. The squeaking gets a louder and an enormous 20-feet-high wooden rabbit is wheeled out of the undergrowth into the open space in front of the castle. The English scuttle back into the undergrowth.

The rabbit has a large red bow tied round it and a rather crudely written label, which reads ‘Pour votres amis Francais‘. The Chief Taunter looks at it narrowing his eyes. Then he turns and leaves battlements. Cut to Arthur and Company watching from the bushes.

The main gate of the castle opens a little and the Chief Taunter’s head sticks out, then another. Froggie head, then another. They mutter to each in French, look rather pleased, then rush out and start to pull the giant rabbit in. Cut back to Arthur and Company behind some bushes watching.

Arthur says, now what happens?

Bedevere says, well now, Launcelot, Galahad and I wait until nightfall and then leap out of the rabbit and take the French by surprise, not only by surprise but totally unarmed and…

Arthur asks, who…who breaks out?

Bedevere says, er…we… Launcelot, Galahad and I…er…leap out of the rabbit and…

Launcelot covers his eyes.

Bedevere says, look, if we were to build a large wooden badger…

Arthur cuffs him and looks at the battlements. There’s a loud twang. Look of horror. The rabbit comes sailing over the battlements.

Arthur shouts, run away! More shouts. Run away! They continue to retreat. The rabbit lands on Gawain’s Page (who is already weighed down by enormous quanity of luggage)

Ext. Castle Walls. Day. Cut to a Man in a modern dress standing outside a castle. He speaks straight to camera in a documentary kind of way. Superimpose caption: ‘A Very Famous Historian‘.

Historian’s speech, defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur… The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise and Arthur became convinced a new strategy was required if the Quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest Knights, decided they should separate and search for the Grail individually. This now is what they did. No sooner…

A Knight rides into shot and hacks him to the ground. He rides off. We stay for a moment on the glade. A Middle-Aged Lady in a C&A twin-set emerges from the trees and looks in horror at the body of her Husband.

Mrs. Historian says, Frank!

Cut to animated frame, with the words ‘The Tale of Sir Robin‘ on it. Pleasant pastoral music. Mix through to: Voice says, The Tale of Sir Robin.

Ext. Glade. Day.

A Knight is trotting along through a wooden sun-dappled glade, followed by his trusty Page banging the usual half coconuts. As we see them approach we hear the beautiful lilting sound of medieval music, and see the Knight is followed by a small retinue of Musicians in 13th-century courtly costume, one sings, and plays the tambourine, one bangs at a tabor (a small drum OED) and one plays upon the pipes. The Knight looks very proud and firm as we hear the first part of the song, but the combo of the lyrics and the large signs they pass, start to have their effect…

Song: Bravely good Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot,
He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin,
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways
Brave brave brave brave Sir Robin.
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp
And have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken;
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.
His head smashed in, and his heart gouged out,
And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off,
And his penis split… and his…

Robin says, er, that’s…That’s enough music for awhile, lads. It looks as though there’s dirty work afoot.

Singers sing, brave, Sir Robin…

Robin says, shut up.

They have ridden past the following signs, all in triplicate:

CAMELOT 43 CAMELOT 43 CAMELOT 43

CERTAIN DEATH 1 CERTAIN DEATH 1 CERTAIN DEATH 1

BEWARE GO BACK DEAD PEOPLE ONLY BEWARE GO BACK DEAD PEOPLE ONLY BEWARE GO BACK DEAD PEOPLE ONLY

Ext. Glade. Day.

They now pass 3 Knights impaled to a tree. With their feet off the ground, with one lance through the lot of them, they’re skewered up; like a barbecue. Then they pass 3 Knights sitting on the ground with one enormous axe through their skulls. They looks timorous. Sir Robin rides on a little way with the music building up enormous and terrifying tension, until suddenly there standing before him is an enormous 3-Headed Knight. Large terrifying chord. (Incidentally the 3 heads come out of one large body, specially built to accommodate 3 actors, although the Knight has the usual complement of arms and legs. The 3 Heads of the Knights speak in unison.)

3 Heads say, halt! Who art thou?

Singers sing, he is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who…

Robin (2 Singers) says, shut up. Oh, nobody really. Just passing through.

3 Heads say, what do you want?

Singers sing, to fight and…

Robin says, shut up. Nothing really. Just to pass through good Sir Knight. I am a Knight of King Arthur’s Round Table.

3 Heads say, you’re a Knight of the Round Table?

Robin says, I am. From now on the 3 Heads speak individually.

2nd Head says, shit.

1st Head says, in that case I shall have to kill you.

2nd Head says, shall I?

3rd Head says, (to 1st) says, what do I think?

1st Head says, I think kill him.

3rd Head says, oh! let’s be nice to him.

1st Head says, oh! shut up!

Robin says, perhaps I could…

1st Head says, oh! quick! get the sword out - I want to cut his head off.

3rd Head says, oh! cut your own head off.

2nd Head says, yes - do us all a favour.

1st Head says, what?

3rd Head says, yapping on all the time.

2nd Head says, you’re lucky, you’re not next to him.

1st Head says, what do you mean?

2nd Head says, you snore.

1st Head says, ooh, lies! Anyway, you’ve got bad breath.

2nd Head says, well, only because you don’t brush my teeth…

3rd Head says, oh! stop bickering and let’s go and have tea and biscuits.

1st Head says, all right! All right! not biscuits - but let’s kill him anyway…

Wide shot. The 3-Headed Knight is alone.

2nd Head says, he buggered off!

3rd Head says, so he has! He’s scarpered!

Ext. Glade. Day.

Quick sequence of Sir Robin. The music is jolly and bright, as if triumphant. Robin isn’t at all happy with the lyrics.

Singers sing, brave Sir Robin ran away.

Robin says, I didn’t.

Singers sing, bravely ran away, away.

Robin says, no, no, no.

Singers sing, when danger reared its ugly head
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat.
Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
Petrified of being dead
Soiled his pants then brave Sir Robin
Turned away and fled.

They disappear into distance. Animation: ‘The Tale of Sir Galahad‘.

Ext. Storm. Forest. Dusk.

As the storm rages we pick up Galahad forcing his way through brambles and over slippery rocks. Progress is hard. He pauses and at this moment we hear the howling of wolves. Galahad turns, then hurries onward even more urgently.

Another loud, closer howl is heard and Galahad stumbles and falls heavily. Though obviously injured he bravely struggles forward a little and regains his feet reacting with pain. More louder closer howling. He grips his sword valiantly and as he glances around a flash of lightning reveals the silhouette of a huge terrifying castle, perhaps looking rather derelict.

He makes up his mind in an instant and stumbles manfully towards it. More louder howling. He reaches the forbidding and enormous doors of the castle and beats on the doors with the handle of his sword, looking over his shoulder the while. Pause. He beats again shouting:

Galahad says, open. Open the doors. In the name of King Arthur. Open the doors.

Some rattling chainy noises come from inside with huge bolts being drawn. The wolves howling is very close. As the door creaks open Galahad steps quickly inside.

Int. Castle. Night.

From inside we see Galahad enter wiping the rain from his eyes, and turn as the door crashes behind him. Galahad turns to the door reacting to the fact he’s trapped. Zoot (out of vision) says, hello!

Galahad turns back. We see from his POV the lovely Zoot standing by him smiling enchantingly and a number of equally delectable Girlies draped around in the seductively poulticed room. They look at him smilingly and wave.

Girlies say, hello!

Zoot says, welcome, gentle Sir Knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

Galahad asks, the Castle Anthrax?

Zoot says, yes. It’s not a very nice name, is it? But we are nice and will attend to your every…every need.

Galahad says, er…you are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

Zoot claps her hands. 2 stunning Girls run forward.

Midget and Crapper say, yes, O Zoot?

Zoot says, prepare a bed for our guest.

Midget and Crapper (grovelling with delight) say, O thank you, Zoot, thank you, thank you.

Zoot says, away varletesses. (to Galahad) The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.

Galahad says, well, look, er, I…

Zoot says, what’s your name, handsome Knight?

Galahad says, er… Sir Galahad…the chaste.

Zoot says, mine is Zoot. Just Zoot. (She is very close to him for a moment.) But come. She turns away and leads him towards a door leading to a corridor leading to the bedchamber.

Galahad says, well, look, I’m afraid I really out to be…

Zoot says, Sir Galahad! There is a gasp from the other Girls.

Zoot says, you wouldn’t be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality. Galahad looks at the other Girls. They’re clearly on the verge of being offended.

Galahad says, well…

Zoot (she moves off and Galahad unwillingly follows) says, I’m afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared with yours. We’re but 8 score young blondes, all between 16 and 19 and a 1/2, cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us. Oooh. It’s a lonely life…bathing…dressing…undressing…making exciting underwear. They reach the end of the corridor and enter the bedchamber. Zoot turns. Zoot says, we’re not used to handsome knights… (she notices him limping.) But your wounded!

Galahad says, no, it’s nothing.

Zoot says, you must lie down. She almost forces him to lie on the bed as Piglet and Winston enter the room. They’re equally beautiful and dressed exotically. They approach Galahad.

Piglet says, well, what seems to be the trouble?

Galahad asks, they’re doctors?

Zoot says, they have a basic medical training, yes. Now you must try to rest. Dr Winston! Dr Piglet! Practise your art!!

Zoot leaves. The Doctors settle down next to Galahad, gaze into his eyes, and start to examine him, loosening his armour, and generally touching him in a just possibly medical way. Galahad is acutely uncomfortable, but does not like to say anything much…

Winston says, try to relax.

Galahad says, no, look, really, this isn’t necess…

Piglet says, we must examine you.

Galahad says, there’s nothing wrong with…that.

Piglet (slightly irritated) says, please… we are doctors.

Zoot reappears. Galahad tries for one brief moment to relax. Then there’s a sharp bang from the lower part of his armour.

Winston glances quickly in the appropriate direction as Galahad sits up and starts getting off the bed and collecting his armour, saying, no, no, this cannot be. I am sworn to chastity.

Piglet says, back to your bed! At once!

Galahad says, torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail! I have seen it!

Galahad turns to the door and pushes through it. As he leaves the room we cut to the reverse to show he is now in a room full of bathing and romping Girlies, all innocent, wide-eyed and beautiful. They smile enchantingly at him as he tries to keep walking without being too much diverted by the lovely sights assaulting his eyeballs. He nods to them stiffly once or twice and then his eye catches a particularly stunning Young Lady.

He visibly gulps with repressed emotion and then cannot resist saying, Good evening…Ah, Zoot! Er…

Dingo says, no, I’m Zoot’s identical twin sister, Dingo.

Galahad says, oh… will you excuse me?

Dingo says, where are you going?

Galahad insists he’s seen the Grail. He’s seen it here in the castle!

Dingo says, no! Oh, no! Bad…bad Zoot!

Galahad asks, what is it?

Dingo says, bad, wicked, naughty Zoot… She has been setting fire to our beacon, which - I have just remembered - is Grail-shaped…this isn’t the first time we’ve had this problem.

Galahad asks, it’s not the real Grail?

Dingo says, oh…wicked, wicked Zoot…she’s a bad person and must pay the penalty. (Turns to camera) Do you think this scene should have been cut? We’re so worried when the boys were writing it but now we’re glad. It’s better than some of the previous scenes, I think.

Cut to: 3 Heads say, at least ours was better, visually.

Cut to: Dennis says, at least ours was committed. It wasn’t just a string of pussy jokes.

Cut to: Bridgekeeper says, get on with it!

Cut to: Tim says, get on with it!

Dingo (to camera) says, oh, I am enjoying this scene.

Cut to: God says, get on with it.

Dingo says, oh…wicked, wicked Zoot…she’s a bad person and must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax we have but one punishment…you must tie her down on a bed…and spank her. Come!

Dingo leads Galahad back into the bathing area by his hand. Galahad is by now so tempted and confused he doesn’t put up much physical resistance. The Girls are shouting.

Girls shout, a spanking! A spanking!

Dingo says, you must spank her well and when you’ve spanker her you may deal with her as you like and then…spank me.

Amazing says, and spank me!

Stunner says, and me.

Lovely says, and me.

Dingo says, yes. You must give us all a good spanking.

Girls say, a spanking. A spanking. There’s going to be a spanking tonight.

Dingo says, and after the spanking…the oral sex!

Galahad says, oh, dear! Well, I…

Girls say, the oral sex… the oral sex.

Galahad says, well, I suppose I could stay a bit longer. At this moment there’s a commotion behind and Sir Launcelot and Concorde, possibly plus Gawain, burst into the bathing area with swords drawn and form themselves round Sir Galahad threatening the Girls.

Launcelot says, Sir Galahad!

Galahad says, oh… hello…

Launcelot says, quick!

Galahad asks, why?

Launcelot says, you’re in great peril.

Dingo says, no he isn’t.

Launcelot says, silence! foul temptress! He threatens Dingo.

Galahad says, well, she’s got a point.

Laucelot says, we’ll cover your escape.

Galahad says, look, I’m fine.

Girls say, Sir Galahad!

Galahad says, no. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

Launcelot says, come, Sir Galahad, quickly!

Galahad says, no, really, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.

launcelot says, no, sir. Quick! He starts pulling Galahad away.

Galahad says, no, please. Please! I can defeat them. There’s only 150 of them.

Girls say, he’ll beat us easily. We haven’t a chance. By now Launcelot and Concorde have hustled Galahad out of the bathing area and are running through the outside door.

Launcelot says, we were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

Galahad (dragging his feet somewhat) says, I don’t think I was.

Launcelot says, you were, Sir Galahad, you were in terrible peril.

Galahad says, look, why don’t you let me go back in there and face the peril?

Launcelot says, it’s too perilous. They’re right outside the castle by now.

Galahad says, look, it’s my duty as a knight to try and sample as much peril as I can.

Launcelot says, no, no, we must find the Grail. The thunderstorm is over. A bunch (sic) of Pages are tethered to a tree with more Men waiting. Their tethers are untied and the Pages start banging away with their coconuts. Galahad is swept along with them as they ride off.

Galahad says, oh, let me go and have a bit of peril.

Launcelot says, no. It’s unhealthy.

Galahad says, … I bet your gay.

Gawain or Concorde gives a knowing glance at Launcelot. Voice comes in as they ride off.

Voice-Over says, Sir Launcelot had saved Galahad from almost certain temptation but they were still lost, far from the goal of their search for the Holy Grail. Only Bedevere and King Arthur himself, riding day and night, had made any progress.

Arthur and Bedevere in the depths of the dark forest with an old blind Soothsayer. He lies in a broken-down old woodman’s hut.

Arthur asks, And this ‘Enchanter‘ of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail? The Soothsayer laughs forbiddingly, adding to the general spookiness of this encounter.

Arthur asks, where does he live? (He stares into the blind eyes of the Soothsayer) Old man…where does he live…

Soothsayer says, he knows of a cave… a cave which no man has entered.

Arthur says, and…the Grail…the Grail is there?

The Soothsayer laughs again to himself. Soothsayer says, there’s much danger…for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril which no man has ever crossed.

Arthur says, but the grail…where is the grail?

Soothsayer says, seek you the Bride of Death…

Arthur asks, the Bridge of Death?…which leads to the Grail.

The old man laughs sinisterly and mockingly. They look down and he’s gone. They stand up. Suddenly behind them is a noise. They turn sharply. In the door of the little hut is a cat. It miaows and is gone. They slowly back out of the hut. As they touch the doorposts they just flake away into dust. The whole hut is rotten. It collapses. Spooky music. They’re thoroughly shaken, and they begin to hear noises of people moving in the forest around them. They start to back cautiously away from the hut, suddenly there’s a heavy footfall behind them. They turn in fear and: Sudden cut to big close-up of a frightening black-browed evil face.

Tall Knight of Ni says, Ni!

Arthur and Bedevere recoil in abject fear. Patsy rears up with coconuts. Arthur (to Patsy) says, easy…boy, easy…

Arthur peers into the darkness. Who are you?

6 Voices From Darkness says, ni!…Peng!…Neeee…Wom! An extraordinary Tall Knight in all black (possibly John with Mike on his shoulders) walks out from the dark trees. He’s extremely fierce and of gruesome countenance. He walks towards King Arthur and Patsy, who are wazzing like mad. (Salopian slang, meaning very scared, almost to the point of wetting oneself, e.g. before an important football match or prior to a postering. Sorry about the Salopian slant to this stage direction - Ed.)

Arthur (wazzed stiff) says, who are you? Tall Knight says, We are the Knights Who Say ’Ni’! 

Bedevere says, no! Not the Knights Who Say ’Ni’!

Tall Knight says, the same…

Arthur asks, who are they?

Tall Knight says, we are the keepers of the Sacred Words. Ni…Peng…and Neee…Wom! 

Bedevere says, those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale. 

Tall Knight says, the Knights Who Say ‘Ni’! Demand a sacrifice. 

Arthur (to the Tall Knight) says, the Knights Who Say ‘Ni’! …we are but simple travellers. We seek the Enchanter who lives beyond this wood and who…

Tall Knight says, ni!

Arthur (recoiling) says, oh!

Tall Knight says, ni! Ni!

Arthur (he covers in fear) says, oh!

Tall Knight says, we shall say Ni! Again if you don’t appease us.

Arthur says, all right! What do you want?

Tall Knight says, we want… a shrubbery!

Arthur says, a what?

Tall Knight says, ni! Ni! Ni…Peng…Nee…wum!

The Pages rear and snort and rattle their coconuts.

Arthur says, all right! All right! …no more, please. We will find you a shrubbery… 

Tall Knight says, you must return here with a shrubbery or else… you shall not pass through this wood alive!

Arthur says, thank you, Knights Who Say Ni! You are fair and just. We will return with a shrubbery.

Tall Knight says, one that looks nice.

Arthur says, of course.

Tall Knight says, and not too expensive.

Arthur says, yes…

Tall Knight says, now - go! 

Arthur and Bedevere turn and ride off.

Other Knights say, Ni! Ni! Shouts of ‘Ni’ and ‘Peng’ ring behind them. 

Ext. Day. Cut back to the Historian lying in the glade. His Wife, who has been kneeling beside him, rises as 2 Police Patrolmen enter the glade. They bend over her Husband. One takes out a notebook. Cut to an animated title: ‘The Tale of Sir Launcelot.’ 

Int. Prince’s Room In Castle. Day. A young, quite embarrassingly on attractive Prince is gazing out of a castle window. His Father stands beside him. He’s also looking out. The Prince wears a long undershirt (like a nightshirt).

Prince’s father tells him, one day all this will be his…

Prince asking, what - the curtains?

Father replies, no! Not the curtains, lad… all that… (Indicates the vista from the window.) all that he can see, stretched over the hills and valleys… as far as the eye can see and beyond…that’ll be his kingdom, lad.

Prince says, but, Moth… 

Father interrupts, Father, lad.

Prince continues, But Father, I don’t really want any of that.

Father says, listen lad, I built this kingdom up from nothing. All I had when I started was swamp… other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp. So I built it all the same…just to show ‘em. It sank into the swamp. So I built another one…that sank into the swamp. I built another one…that one fell over and then sank into the swamp… So I built another… and that stayed up…and that’s what you’re going to get, lad: the most powerful kingdom in this island. 

Prince says, but I don’t want any of that, I’d rather… 

Father says, rather what?

Prince says, I’d rather…just…sing…

Music intro.

Father says, you’re not going into a song while I’m here!

Music stops.

Listen, lad, in 20 minutes you’re going to be married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tract of open land in Britain…

Prince says, I don’t want land.

Father says, listen Alice…

Prince says, Herbert.

Father says, Herbert… We built this castle on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we can get. 

Prince says, I don’t like her.

Father says, don’t like her? What’s wrong with her? She’s beautiful…she’s rich…she’s got huge tracts of land…

Prince replies, I know…but…I want the girl I marry to have…a certain…special…something…

Music intro for song.

Father says, cut that out! Music cuts off abruptly. You’re marrying Princess Lucky, so you’d better get used to the idea! Guards! 

2 Guards enter and stand to attention on either side of the door. One of them has hiccoughs and does so throughtout.

Father says, make sure Prince doesn’t leave this room until I come and get him. 

1st Guard says, not… to leave the room…even if you come and get him.

Father responds, no. Until I come and get him.

2nd Guard says, hic.

1st Guard says, until you come and get him, we’re not to enter the room

Father says, no…You stay in the room and make sure he doesn’t leave.

1st Guard says, …and you’ll come and get him.

2nd Guard says, hic.

Father says, that’s right.

1st Guard says, we don’t need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.

Father corrects, leaving the room. 

1st Guard says, leaving the room…yes.

Father asks, got it? 

2nd Guard says, hic.

Father makes to leave.

1st Guard says, er…if…we…er…

Father asks, yes?

1st Guard says, if we…er…(Trying to remember what he was going to say.)

Father interrupts, look, it’s simple. Just stay here and make sure he doesn’t leave the room.

2nd Guard says, hic.

Father asks, right? 

1st Guard says, oh, I remember…can he…er…can he leave the room with us?

Father (carefully) says, no…keep him in here…and make sure he doesn’t…

1st Guard, oh, yes! We’ll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave…and we were with him.

Father says, no…just keep him in here.

1st Guard says, until you, or anyone else…

Father says, no…just keep him in here.

1st Guard says, until you, or anyone else…

Father interrupts, no. Not anyone else - just me.

1st Guards repeats, just you…

2nd Guard says, hic.

1st Guard says, get back.

Father says, right.

1st Guard says, okay. Fine. We’ll remain here until you get back.

Father says, and make sure he doesn’t leave.

1st Guard says, the Prince…?

Father says, yes…make sure…

1st Guard says, oh yes, of course! I thought you meant him! (He points to the other Guard and laughs to himself.)… you know it seemed a bit daft me having to guard him when he’s a guard…

Father asks, is that clear?

2nd Guard says, hic.

1st guard says, oh, yes. That’s quite clear. No problem.

Father pulls open the door and makes to leave the room. The Guards follow. Father (to the Guards) says, where are you going?

1st Guard says, we’re coming with you.

Father says, no, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn’t leave the room until I get back.

1st Guard says, oh, I see, right. They take up positions on either side of the door.

Prince says, but, Father.

Father says, shut your noise, you, and get that suit on! He points to a wedding suit on a table or chair. Father throws one last look at the Boy and turns, goes out and slams the door. The Prince slumps onto window seat, looking forlornly out of the window. Music intro to song… The door flies open, the music cuts and Father pokes his head in.

Father says, and NO SINGING!

2nd Guard says, hic. 

Father (as he goes out) says, go and have a drink of water. 

Father slams the door again. The Guards take up their positions. The Prince gazes out of the window again…sighs…thinks…a thought strikes him…he gets up, crosses to his desk and scribbles and quick note and impales it on an arrow…takes a bow down from the wall…. And fires the arrow out of the window. He looks wetly defiant at the Guards, who smile pleasantly.

Ext. A Forest. Day. 

Cut to the middle of the forest. Sir Launcelot is riding along with a trusty servant, Concorde. 

Launcelot says, and…o v e r…we go! He strides over a big tree trunk…his ‘horse’ does run-and-jump…

Laucelot (enthusiastically) says, well taken, Concorde! 

Concorde (rattling the coconuts in appreciation) says, thank you, sir, most kind…

Launcelot interrupts, and another! Concorde misses a beat. Steady! Good…and the last one…

Concorde does the run-up with the coconuts. He does the break for the leap… there’s a thwack. Launcelot is waiting for the horse to land. 

Concorde says, message for you, sir. He falls forward revealing the arrow with the note.

Launcelot says, Concorde - speak to me. He realizes he might be in danger and so starts to crawl off… when he  notices the note. He takes it out and reads it. 

Launcelot (reading) says, ‘To whoever finds this note - I’ve been imprisoned by my father who wishes me to marry against my will. Please please please please come and rescue me. I’m in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle.’

Launcelot’s eyes light up with holy inspiration. 

Launcelot says, at last! A call! A cry of distress… (He draws his sword, and turns to Concorde.) Concorde! Brave Concorde…you shall not have died in vain.

Concorde says, I’m not quite dead, sir…

Launcelot (a little deflated) says, oh, well…er, brave Concorde! You shall not have been fatally wounded in vain. 

Concorde says, I think I could pull through, sir. 

Launcelot says, good Concorde…stay here and rest awhile. He makes to leap off dramatically.

Concorde says, I think I’ll be all right to come with you, sir. 

Launcelot says, I’ll send help, brave friend, as soon as I’ve accomplished the most daring, desperate adventure in this genre.

Concorde says, really, I feel fine, sir. 

Launcelot says, farewell, Concorde…. 

Concorde says, it just seems silly… me lying here.

Launcelot plunges off into the forest.

Ext. Castle Gateway. Day. Two hanging banners one on each side of the gate with the monogram: ‘H & L’. 2 Sentries with spears... slightly weddingy…red ribbons on their right sleeves. A little nosegay of flowers on the tips of the spears. We can hear from inside revelry and celebration. Music. We hear Launcelot footsteps. The 2 Sentries are watching him. One of them raises his hand. Launcelot leaps into shot with a mighty cry and runs the Guard through and hacks him to the floor. Blood. Swashbuckling music (perhaps). 

Laucenlot races through into the castle screaming. 2nd Sentry says, hey! He looks down at his mutilated comrade. 

Ext. Day. Cut to inside of the castle grounds or courtyard. In the sunlight beautifully dressed Wedding Guests are arriving. Converging on a doorway. A country dance in progress. Sir Launcelot rushes towards them. Cut to hand-held close-ups as he charges through the crowd, hacking right and left a la Errol Flynn at all who come in his way. He fights his way through the country dance. Blood. Shrieks. Bemused looks of Guests - not horror so much as uncomprehending surprise. Possibly Errol Flynn music. One Country Dancer is left holding just a hand. Right and left the Guests crumple in pools of blood as he fights his way through the door and into the main hall. 

Int. Day. Cut to interior of main hall. Sound off busy preparations. Men setting up huge hogsheads of wine. Men putting up last-minute flower arrangements. Cooks bearing huge trays of food, pies, sucking pigs, a swan, boars head, etc. The Bride being dressed by several Attendants. Father ordering Servants around - organising the Stewards, etc. Sir Launcelot bursts through the middle of them slashing heroically, hacking, wounding and killing. Again, fairly close-up chaotic shots. We see Guests stagger back wounded - a Cook bites the dust, etc. Sir Launcelot eventually reaches the staircase… runs up it and into a small door.

Int. Day. Cut to Launcelot running up spiral staircase. He reaches the door of the Prince’s room. He flings it open.

1st Guard says, ah! Now…we’re not allowed to…

Sir Launcelot runs him through, grabs his spear and stabs the other Guard who collapses in heap. Hiccoughs quietly. Sir Launcelot runs to the window and kneels down in front of the Prince, averting his head. 

Launcelot says, oh, fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Launcelot from the Court of Camelot. I’ve come to take you… (He looks up for the first time and his voice trails away.) away…I’m terribly sorry…

Prince says, you got my note?

Launcelot says, well…yes…

Prince asks, you’ve come to rescue me?

Launcelot says, well…yes…but I hadn’t realized…

Prince (His eyes lighting up) says, I knew someone would come. I knew…somewhere out there…there must be… Music intro to song. 

Father (suddenly looking in at the door) says, stop that! Music cuts out. 

Father sees Sir Launcelot still kneeling before his son.

Father says, who are you?

Prince says, I’m…your son….

Father says, not you. 

Launcelot (half standing self-consciously) says, I’m…er…Sir Launcelot, sir.

Prince says, he’s come to rescue me, Father.

Launcelot (embarrassed) says, well, let’s not jump to conclusions…

Father asks, did you kill all those guards?

Launcelot says, yes…I’m very sorry…

Father says, they cost 50 pounds each!

Launcelot says, well, I really am most awfully sorry but I … I can explain everything…

Prince says, don’t be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot. I’ve got a rope here all ready…

He throws a rope out of the window which is tied to pillar in room. He looks rather pleased with himself he has got it all ready. 

Father says, you killed 8 wedding guests and all! 

Launcelot says, er, well…the thing is…I thought your son was a lady. 

Father says, I can understand that.

Prince (half out of the window) says, hurry, brave Sir Launcelot.

Father (to his Son) says, shut up. (To Launcelot) You only killed the bride’s father - that’s all - 

Launcelot says, oh dear, I didn’t really mean to…

Father says, didn’t mean to? You put your sword right through his head!

Launcelot says, gosh 0 is he all right?

Father says, you even kicked the bride in the chest! It’s going to cost me a fortune!

Launcelot says, I can explain… I was in the forest... riding North from Camelot…when I got this note… 

Father interrupts, Camelot? Are you from Camelot? The Prince’s head peeps over the windowsill. 

Prince says, hurry!

Launcelot says, I am, sir. I am a Knight of King Arthur.

Father says, mm…very nice castle, Camelot…very good pig country…

Launcelot asks, is it?

Prince (out of vision) says, I’m ready, Sir Launcelot.

Father says, do you want it to come and have a drink?

Launcelot says, oh…that’s awfully nice. 

Prince (out of vision, loud and shrill) says, I am ready! As they walk past the rope, the Father nonchalantly cuts it with his knife. There’s no sound except after a pause a slight squeal from very far away as the Prince makes contact with the ground.

Launcelot says, it’s just when I’m in this genre, I tend to get over-excited and start to leap and wave my sword about…and…

Father says, oh, don’t worry about that…Tell me…doesn’t Camelot own that stretch of farmland up by the mountains?

He puts his arm round Launcelot’s shoulders as they go through the door. Int. Day. Cut to the great hall. Guests wounded and bloody, are tending to the dead and injured, sighs and groans, the Princess in her white wedding dress is holding her chest and coughing blood. People dabbing the stains off her dress. Father and Launcelot start to walk down the grand staircase. Talking to each other. One of the Guests notices and points to Sir Launcelot.

Guest says, there he is! As one man, all remaining able-bodied Men look up and make for the staircase, muttering angrily. Sir Launcelot grabs his sword.

Father says, hold it! But it’s too late. Sir Launcelot cannot be stopped. With fearless abandon he throws himself into the Crowd and starts hacking and slashing. He has carved quite a number up before the Father can stop him and pulls him back onto the stairs. Renewed groans and cries.

Father (shouting above the noise) says, hold it! Please!

Launcelot says, sorry! …Sorry… (with bitter self-reproach) There you are see… I just get excited again and I get carried away…I’m ever so sorry. (To the Crowd) sorry.

Crowd kneeling round their wounded again. Moans, etc.

Guest says, he’s killed the best man!

Launcelot responds, oh, no…

Hostile shouts of ‘arrest him’, ‘boom in shot’, etc.

Father says, now hold it! This is Sir Launcelot from the Court of Camelot! He’s a very brave and influential knight and my special guest today.

2nd Guest (holding a limp Woman) says, he’s killed my auntie.

Father says, no, please. This is meant to be a happy occasion! Let’s not bicker and argue over who killed who…We’re here to witness the union of 2 young people in the joyful bond of holy wedlock. Now unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death…Murmurs from the Crowd, the Bride smiles with relief, coughs. But I don’t want to think I’ve lost a son… as much as gained a daughter… Smattering of applause. For, since the tragic death of her father…

Shout From Back, he’s not quite dead!

Father says, since the fatal wounding of her father…

Shout From Back, I think he’s getting better!

Father nods discreetly to a Soldier standing to one side. The Soldier slips off. Father’s eyes watch him move round to where the voice came from. Father says, for… since her own father…who…when he seemed about to recover…suddenly felt the icy…hand of death upon him.

A scuffle at the back. Shout From Back, oh, he’s died!

Father says, I want his only daughter, from now onwards to think of me as her old dad…in a very real and legally binding sense. Applause. And I’m sure…the merger…, er…the union…between the Princess and the brave but dangerous Sir Launcelot of Camelot…

Launcelot interrupts, what?! Gasp from the Crowd.

Crowd says, the dead Prince! There’s Concorde holding ‘The Dead Prince’ in his arms.

Concorde says, he’s not quite dead!

Prince says, I feel much better, now.

Father says, you fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!

Prince says, I was saved at the last minute.

Father asks, how?

Prince says, well…I’ll tell you…

Music intro to song. Concorde stands the Son on his feet and adopts cod ‘and now a number from my friend’ pose.

Father says, not like that!

But the music doesn’t stop and the Crowd starts to sing. Crowd sings, he’s going to tell.

Father says, shut up!

Crowd repeats, he’s going to tell…

Father (screaming) says, shut UP!

As the music starts the Father tries yelling at them and eventually gives up. Sir Launcelot joins Concorde in the Crowd.

Concorde says, quickly, sir, come this way!

Launcelot says, no! It’s not right for my idiom. I must escape more…more…

Concorde finishes, dramatically, sir?

Launcelot confirms, dramatically.

Crowd sings, he’s going to tell,
he’s going to tell
He’s going to tell about his great escape.
Oh he fell a long long way
But he’s here with us today
What a wonderful…escape.

Concorde goes. Sir Launcelot runs back up the stairs, grabs a rope off the wall and swings out over the heads of the Crowd in a swashbuckling manner towards a large window. He stops just short of the window and is left swinging pathetically back and forth. 

Launcelot asks, excuse me… could somebody give me a push…

Ext. A Deserted Village. Dusk. 

Toothless old Crone by the roadside. Arthur and Bedevere and 2 Pages ride up and draw alongside the Crone.

Arthur asks, in this town is there anywhere where we can buy a shrubbery? The Old Crone crosses herself with a look of stark terror. 

Crone says, who sent you? 

Arthur says, the Knights Who Say ’Ni!’

Crone says, aaaagh! (She looks round with fear.) No! We have no shrubberies here.

Bedevere says, surely, there must be. 

Arthur says, listen old crone! Unless you tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will…we will say ‘Ni!’ 

Crone says, do your worst!

Arthur says, very well, old crone. Since you will not assist us voluntarily… ‘Ni!’ 

Crone replies, no. Never. No shrubberies.

Arthur says, Ni!

Bedevere says, nu!

Arthur says, you’re not doing it properly. Ni!

 Bedevere says, ni! 

Arthur confirms, that’s it. Ni! Ni!

A Passer-By on a horse is observing them. Roger asks, are you saying ‘Ni’ to that old woman? 

Arthur says, erm, yes. 

Roger says, oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say ’Ni’ at will to old ladies. There’s a pestilence upon this land! Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design cosmetic shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this point in time. 

Arthur asks, did you say shrubberies?

Roger says, yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I’m a scrubber. My name is Roger the scrubber. I arrange, design and sell shrubberies. 

Bedevere (rather aggressively, to Roger) says, Ni!

Arthur says, No. No. No!

Ext. Glade. Dusk. Cut to the glade in the forest again.

Arthur says, oh, Knights of Ni, here’s your shrubbery. May we go now?

Tall Knight says, that’s a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly - but there’s one small problem.

Arthur asks, what’s that?

Tall Knight says, we’re no longer the Knight Who Say Ni!

Others say, no! Not at all…

One Knight says, ni!

Others say, sh!

One Knight (whispers) says, sorry. 

Tall Knight says, we are now the Knights Who Go Neeeow…Wum..Ping!

Others say, ni! Ni!

One Knight says, Peng!

Other say, ni!

Others say, sh! Sh!

Tall Knight says, therefore…we’re no longer contractually bound by any agreements previously entered into by the Knights Who Say Ni!

One Knight says, ni!

Another says, Peng!

Another says, sh!

Tall Knight says, shut up! (To Arthur) therefore we must give you a Test, a Test to satisfy the Knights Who Say Neeeow… Wum…Ping! 

Others (terrific chorus) say, ni! Ni! Peng Nee-wum! 

Arthur says, what’s the Test, Knights of N…(can’t say it.)…recently Knights of Ni!

Knight says, ni!

Tall Knight says, firstly. You must get us another shrubbery! 

Other Knights (half seen) say, more shrubbery! More shrubberies for the ex-Knights of Ni!

Arthur says, not another shrubbery-

Tall Knight says, when you’ve found another shrubbery, place the shrubbery here, beside this shrubbery…only slightly higher, so you get the 2-level effect with a path through the middle. 

Other Knights say, a path! A little path for the late Knights of Ni!

Chorus of Ni! Ni! 

Tall Knight says, when you’ve found the shrubbery, then you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest…with a herring.

Other Knights say, yes! With a herring! With a herring! Cut down with a herring!

Arthur says, we shall do no such thing…let us pass!

Tall Knight says, oh, please. 

Arthur asks, cut down a tree with a herring? It can’t be done.

Other Knights (they recoil in horror) say, oh! 

Tall Knight says, don’t say that word!

Arthur asks, what word?

Tall Knight says, the word you just said.

Arthur asks, which one? 

Tall Knight says, I cannot tell you. Suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni! Cannot hear! 

Arthur asks, how can we not say the word, if you don’t tell us what it is?

Tall Knight (cringing in fear) says, you said it again!

Arthur says, what, ‘is’?

Tall Knight (dismissively) says, no, no…not ‘is’!

Other Knights chant, not ‘is’! Not ‘is’!

Suddenly singing is heard from deep in the forest.

Sir Robin’s Singers sing, bravely good Sir Robin was not at all afraid
To have his eyeballs skewered…

Robin holds his hand up for silence.

Arthur says, Sir Robin! He shakes his hand, warmly. 

Robin says, my Liege! It’s good to have found you again…

Tall Knight says, now he’s said the word!

Arthur asks, where are you going, good Sir Robin?

Robin’s Singers (starting up again) sing, he was going home…he was giving up, he was throwing in the sponge.

Robin (to the Singers) says, shut up! No...er…no…I…er…I certainly wasn’t giving up…I was actually looking for the Grail…er thing….in this forest.

Arthur says, no…it lies beyond this forest. 

Tall Knight says, stop saying the word!

Other Knights repeat this and then say, the word we cannot hear! The word…

Arthur (losing his patience with the fearful Knights of ‘Ni’) says, oh, stop it! Terrific confusion amongst the Knights of ‘Ni’, they roll on the ground covering their ears. The Tall Knight remains standing, trying to control his Men.

Other Knights say, they’re all saying the word…

Tall Knight says, stop saying it. AAAArghhh! I’ve said it…

Other Knights say, you’ve said it! Aaaaaarghhh!… we’ve said it…we’re all saying it. 

Arthur beckons to Bedevere and Robing and they pick their way through the helpless Knights of ‘Ni’ and away into the forest.

Ext. Historian’s Glad. Day. We cut to an almost subliminal shot of the Historian’s Wife being shown into a police car, which then roars off out of the glade.

Ext. Beyond the Forest. Day. Animation. Shots of Arthur etc. riding out of the forest. They leave the forest and meet Launcelot and Galahad. 

Voice-Over says, and so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the Enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene 24. Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing.

Ext. Another Landscape. Day. Animation. 

Voice-Over says, in the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin’s minstrels… and there was much rejoicing….A year passed…Montage of shots of the Knights. Autumn changed into Winter…Winter changed into Spring…Spring changed back into Autumn and Autumn gave Winter and Spring a miss and went on into Summer…Until one day…

Ext. Wastes. Day.

The Knights are riding along the top of a ridge. The country is wild and inhospitable. Suddenly some of them see fire in the distance and ride towards it. As they approach they see an impressive Wizard figure striding around conjuring up fire from the ground and causing various bushes and branches to burst into flame. 

Arthur says, what manner of man are you which can conjure up fire without flint or tinder?

Tim says, I’m an enchanter. 

Arthur looks at Bedevere. 

Arthur says, by what name are you known?

Tim says, there are some who call me Tim.

Arthur says, greetings, Tim the Enchanter!

Tim says, greetings, King Arthur.

Arthur says, you know my name.

Tim says, I do. (Does another fire trick.) You seek the Holy Grail. Murmur of astonishment from the Knights.

Arthur says, that is our quest! You know much that is hidden, O Tim. 

Tim (does another fire trick) says, quite. Ripple of applause from the Knights. 

Arthur says, yes, we seek the Holy Grail. (Clears throat very quietly.) Our quest is to find the Grail. 

One or two Knights say, yes, it is. 

Arthur says, and so we’re looking for it.

Knights say, yes, we are. 

Bedevere says, we have been for some time.

Knights agree, yes.

Robin adds, months.

Arthur says, yes… and obviously any help we get is…is very…helpful. 

Galahad says, do you know where it…

Tim does another fire trick. 

All Other Knights say, sssssh! 

Arthur says, fine…well, er…we mustn’t take up any more of your time…I don’t suppose…sorry to sort of keep on about it…you haven’t by any chance…aaah…any idea where one might find…a…aaa…

Tim asks, what?

Arthur says, a g…g…g…

Time asks, a grail?

They all jump slightly and look about apprehensively.

Arthur says, er…yes…I think so.

All Other Knights say, yes.

Tim says, yes.

Arthur says, fine.

Robin says, splendid!

Others say, yes, marvellous.

Tim looks thoughtful and they all stand around a little. Then Tim produces another fire trick producing several different colours. 

Arthur says, look, you’re a busy man…

Tim says, yes, I can help you with your quest. Silent pause.

All Other Knights say, thank you. Yes, thank you very much.

Tim says, to the north there lies a cave, the Cave of Caerbannog, wherein carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged…There is a thunderclap and a wind starts. The Knights get nervous.

Tim says, …make plain the resting place of the most Holy Grail. 

Arthur asks, how shall we find this cave, O Tim? 

Tim says, follow! The Knights register delight and wheel round on themselves. But follow only if you are men of valor. For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a monster, a creature so foul and cruel no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full 50 men lie strewn about its lair…therefore, sweet knights, if you may doubt your strength or courage come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big teeth.

Arthur says, shhh! The Pages decrease the amount of noise they’re making with the coconuts for a few seconds. Then there’s a burst of noise from them including whinnying.

Bedevere (to Arthur) says, they’re nervous, sire.

Arthur says, then we’d best leave them here and carry on on foot.

Tim takes a strange look at them. They walk on leaving the Pages behind. After a few more strides Tim halts them with a sign. 

Tim says, behold the Cave of Caerbannog! 

Cut to shot of cave. Bones littered around. The Knights get the wind up partially. A little dry ice glowing green, can be seen at the entrance. Suddenly we become aware of total silence. Any noises the Knights make sound very exaggerated. They unsheathe their swords. 

Arthur says, keep me covered.

Tim says, there he is.

They all turn, and see a large white Rabbit lollop a few yards out of the cave. Accompanied by a terrifying chord and jarring metallic monster noise. 

Arthur asks, where?

Tim says, there.

Arthur says, behind the rabbit?

Tim says, it’s the rabbit.

Arthur says, …you silly sod.

Tim says, what?

Arthur says, you got us all worked up.

Bedevere says, you cretin!

Tim says, that’s not an ordinary rabbit…’tis the most foul cruel and bad-tempered thing ever set eyes on. 

Robin says, you tit. I soiled my armor I was so scared.

Tim says, that rabbit’s got a vicious streak. It’s a killer. 

Galahad says, get stuffed.

Tim says, he’ll do you up a treat, mate.

Galahad says, oh yeah?

Robin says, you mangy Scots git! 

Tim says, look. I’m warning you.

Robin says, what’s he do? Nibble your bum?

Tim says, well it’s got huge…very sharp…it can jump a…look at the bones.

Arthur says, go on, Bors, chop its head off.

Bors says, right. Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming up. 

Arthur says, now look here, O Tim. 

Tim says, look! As Tim points they all spin made to see the Rabbit leap at Bors’ throat with an appalling scream. From a distance of about 20 feet there is a tin-opening noise, a cry from Bors. A quick close-up of a savage Rabbit biting through tin and Bors’ head flies off. The Rabbit leaps back to the mouth of the cave and sits there looking at the Knights’ direction and growling menacingly. 

Arthur says, Je…sus Christ!

Tim says, I warned you.

Robin says, I done it again. 

Tim says, did I tell you? Did you listen to me? Oh no, no, you know better, didn’t you. No it’s just an ordinary rabbit, isn’t it. The names you called me. Well, don’t say I didn’t tell you.

Arthur says, oh, shut up.

Tim says (quietly), it’s always the same…if I’ve said it once. 

Arthur says, charge!

They all charge with swords drawn towards the Rabbit. A tremendous 22 second fight with Peckinpahish shots and borrowing heavily also on the kung-fu and karate-type films ensues, in which some for Knights are comprehensively killed. Run away! Run away! 

All Knights (taking up the cry) say, run away! Run away!  They run down from the cave and hide, regrouping behind some rocks. Tim, some way away, is pointing at them and laughing derisively.

Tim says, hahaha. Ha ha ha. 

Arthur says, who did we lose?

Launcelot says, Sir Gawain. 

Galahad says, Ector. 

Arthur says, and Bors. 5.

Galahad says, 3, sir!

Arthur says, well, we’ll not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit’s dynamite. 

Robin says, would it help to confuse him if we ran away more?

Arthur says, shut up. Go and change your armour.

Robin leaves, walking strangely.

Galahad says, let us taunt it. It may become so cross it will make a mistake. 

Arthur says, like what?

Galahad cannot find a suitable answer to this. 

Galahad asks, do we have any bows?

Arthur says, no.

Bedevere says, we have the Holy Hand Grenade.

Robin asks, the what?

Bedevere says, the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. ’Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard always carries with him. 

All say, yes. Of course. 

Arthur (shouting) says, bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! Slight pause. Then from the area where the ‘Horses’ are, a small group of Monks process forward towards the Knights, the leading Monk bearing an ornate golden reliquary, and the accompanying Monks chanting and waving incense. They reach the Knights. The hand grenade is suffused with the holy glow. Arthur takes it. Pause.

Arthur says, how does it…er…

Launcelot says, I know not.

Arthur says, consult the Book of Armaments. 

Brother Maynard says, Armaments chapter 2 Verses 9 to 21. 

Another Monk (reading from Bible) says, and St Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying, ‘O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy’ and the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the Lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and… 

Brother Maynard says, skip a bit, brother…

Another Monk, …Er…oh, yes…and, the Lord spake, saying, ‘1st shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more , no less. 3 shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be 3. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou 2, excepting thou then proceed to 3. 5 is right out. Once the number 3, being the 3rd number, be reached then lobes thou thy Holy Hound Grand of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.’

Arthur says, right. He pulls pin out. The Monk blesses the grenade as…

Arthur (quietly) says, 1, 2, 5…

Galahad says, 3, sir!

Arthur says, 3. 

Arthur throws the grenade at the Rabbit. There’s an explosion and cheering from the Knights. 

All Knights say, praise be to the lord. Huzzah!

Int. Cave. Day.

Mix through to the Knights entering the cave. It’s a large cave and as they walk inside it we see in the darkness at the side of the cave a fearsome-looking Creature which watches them with some surprise as they walk to some writing carved on the back of the cave wall. The Knights are accompanied by Brother Maynard. 

Arthur says, there! Look!

Bedevere says, what does it say? 

Arthur asks, what language is this?

Bedevere says, Brother Maynard, you are a scholar.

Brother Maynard says, it’s Aramaic.

Galahad says, of course. Joseph of Arimathea! 

All say, of course.

Arthur asks, what does it say, Brother?

Brother Maynard says, it reads… ‘Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea.’ Excitement. ‘He who is valorous and pure of heart may find the Holy Grail in the aaaaaarrrrrrggghhh…’ 

Arthur asks, what?

Brother Maynard says, he must’ve died while carving it.

Bedevere says, oh, come on.

Brother Maynard says, that’s what it says.

Arthur (miming) says, but if he was dying he wouldn’t bother to carve ‘aaaaaarrrrrggghhh’. He’d just say it.

Brother Maynard says, it’s down there carved in stone.

Galahad says, perhaps he was dictating. 

Arthur says, shut up. Is that all it says?

Brother Maynard says, that’s all. ‘Aaaaaarrrrrrggghhh’. 

Arthur repeats, ‘Aaaaarrrrrggghhh’.

Bedevere says, do you think he meant the Camargue?

Galahad asks, where’s that?

Bedeviled says, France, I think.

Launcelot asks, isn’t there a St. Aaaaarrrrggghhh’s in Cornwall?

Arthur says, no that’s St. Ives.

A muffled roar is heard.  

Bedevere says, oooooh!

Launcelot says, no ‘Aaaarrrrggghhh…’ At the back of the throat.

Bedevere says, it’s the…oh… (Snaps his fingers as he tries to remember) it’s the…it’s on the tip of my tongue…Another hideous roar. That’s it!

Arthur asks, what?

Bedevere says, it’s The Legendary Black Beast of Aaaarrrrggghhh! 

Voice Over the Animation says, as the horrendous black beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly…the animator suffered a fatal heart attack. 

Animator says, aaaaagh!

Voice says, the cartoon peril was no more…the quest for the Holy Grail could continue. They run off. Darkness. The Monster lumbering through on animation. Animated sequence. Leads through to the group reappearing and seeing a distance opening to the cave. They reach the opening. It is day.

Ext. Day. 

The Knights emerge from the mouth of the cave to find themselves in a breathtaking, barren landscape. Glencoe. They are half the way up the side of a mountain. They rest a few seconds and get their breath back.

Galahad says, there it is! 

Arthur says, the Bridge of Death!

Robin (to himself) says, oh! Great…

Bedevere says, look! It’s the old man from scene 24 - what’s he doing here?

Arthur says, he’s the Keeper of the Bridge. He asks each traveller 5 questions….

Galahad says, 3 questions. 

Arthur says, 3 questions, may cross in safety.

Robin says, and what if you get a question wrong?

Arthur says, you’re cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

Robin says, oh…wacko!

Galahad says, who’s going to answer the questions?

Arthur says, Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, you go.

Robin says, hey! I’ve got a great idea! Why doesn’t Sir Launcelot go?

Launcelot says, yes. Let me. I will take it single-handed… I will make a feint to the northeast…

Arthur says, no, hang on! Just answer the 5 questions…

Galahad says, 3 questions.

Arthur says, 3 questions…and we will watch and pray…

Launcelot says, I understand, my Liege.

Arthur says, good luck, brave Sir Launcelot…God be with you.

Launcelot approaches the Bridgekeeper. 

Bridgekeeper says, stop!

Launcelot stops. The Knights watch anxiously. Arthur sniffs briefly and glances momentarily down at Robin’s lower armour. 

Bridgekeeper says, who approacheth the Bridge of Death
Must answer me
These questions 3!
Ere the other side he see!

Launcelot says, ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I’m not afraid. 

Bridgekeeper asks, what is your name?

Launcelot says, my name is Launcelot. 

Bridgekeeper asks, what is your quest? 

Launcelot says, to find the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper asks, what’s your favourite colour?

Launcelot says, blue.

Bridgekeeper says, all right. Off you go.

Sir Launcelot runs across into the mist. The bridge perhaps disappears into the mist and we cannot see the other side. Arthur and Robin exchange glances. Robin breathes a great sigh of relief.  

Robin says, that’s easy! 

A pause and then a slightly undignified rush for the bridge. Arthur remains behind a bit. Robin reaches the bridge first. 

Bridgekeeper says, stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death
Must answer me
These questions 3
Ere the other side he see!

Robin says, ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I’m not afraid.

The eager Knights behind Robin wrinkle their noses slightly and fall back a little. 

Bridgekeeper says, what’s your name?

Robin says, my name is Sir Robin of Camelot!

Bridgekeeper says, what’s your quest?

Robin says, I seek the Grail!

Bridgekeeper asks, what’s the capital of Assyria? 

Robin says (indignantly), I don’t know that!

He’s immediately hurled by some unseen force over the edge of the precipice.

Robin says, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Ext. Day. Cut to Sir Launcelot who is only just arriving on the other side. He looks back across the invisible chasm. Dimly in the distance he hears: Gawain (out of vision) says, Sir Gawain of Camelot! 

Bridgekeeper (out of vision) says, what’s your quest? 

Gawain (out of vision) says, to seek the Holy Grail. 

Bridgekeeper asks, what’s your favourite colour? 

Gawain says, blue….no yelloooooww! 

Gawain is cast into the Gorge. Arthur and Bedevere step forward.

Bridgekeeper asks, what is your name?

Arthur says, it is Arthur, King of the Britons. 

Bridgekeeper asks, what is your quest? 

Arthur says, to seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper asks, what’s the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Arthur asks, what do you mean? An African or a European swallow?

Bridgekeeper says, er…I don’t know that… aaaagh! 

Bridgekeeper is cast into the gorge.

Bedevere asks, how do you know so much about swallows?

Arthur says, well, you have to know these things when you’re a king, you know.

Suddenly they appear at water’s edge. They look across the water. A huge expanse, disappearing into the mist. How ca they cross? Suddenly the air is filled with ethereal music, and out of the mist appears a wonderful barge silently and slowly drifting towards them. They gaze in wonder. The mysterious boat comes to where they’re standing. As if bewitched, they find themselves drawing closer. 

Ext. Day. The boat carries them across a magical lake. They land and get out of the boat, their faces suffused with heavenly radiance, and fall to their knees. Crescendo on music. 

Arthur says, God be praised! The deaths of many fine knights have this day been avenged. 

Music swells. They bend their heads in prayer, before a castle which they’ve searched for so long. Suddenly a voice comes from the battlements. Music cuts dead. 

Frog says, ha ha! Smelly English K…nuggets…and Monsier Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. The Knights look up. 

Frog says, we French persons outwit you a second time, perfidious English mouse dropping hoarders…how you say: ‘Begorrah’

Arthur stand and shouts.

Arthur says, how dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you in the name of the Knights of Camelot, open the door to the Sacred Castle to which God himself has guided us (He turns to the Knights). Come. Arthur and the Knights advance towards the castle.

Frog says, how you English say: I one more time, Mac, I unclog my nose towards you, sons of a window-dresser, so you think you could out-clever us French fellows with your silly knees-bent creeping about advancing behaviour. (Blows a raspberry.) I wave my private parts at your aunties, you brightly coloured, mealy-templed, cranberry-smelling, electric donkey-bottom biters. 

By this time Arthur and Bedevere and Galahad have reached the door. Arthur bangs on the door. 

Arthur says, in the name of our Lord, we demand entrance to the Sacred Castle. Jeering from the battlements. 

Frog says, no chance. English bed-wetting types. We burst our pimples at you, and call your door-opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people’s bottoms. French laughter.

Arthur says, if you don’t open these doors, we’ll take the castle by force…A bucket of slops lands on Arthur. He tries to retain his dignity. 

Arthur says, in the name of God… and the glory of our…Another bucket of what can only be described as human ordure hits Arthur. …Right! (To the Knights) That settles it. They turn and walk away. French jeering follows them.

Frog says, yes, depart a lot at this time, and cut the approaching any more or we fire arrows into the tops of your heads and make castanets of your testicles already. 

Arthur (To Knights) says, walk away. Just ignore him. 

Arthur, Bedevere, and Galahad walk off. A small hail of chickens, watercress, badgers and mattresses follows them. But they’re on their dignity as they try to talk nonchalantly as they walk away into the trees. 

Frog says, and now remain gone, illegitimate - face bugger-folk! And if you think you got a nasty time this taunting, you ain’t heard nothing yet, dappy k…nights, and A. King Esquire. Cut back to Arthur still walking away. French taunts still audible in the distance.

French says, you couldn’t catch clap in a brothel, silly English K…niggets…

Arthur (To Bedevere) says, we shall attack at once. 

Bedevere says, yes, my Liege. (He turns.) Stand by for attack!! Cut to enormous army forming up. Trebuchets, rows of Pikemen, siege towers, pennants flying, shouts of ‘Stand by for attack!’ Traditional army build-up shots. The shouts echo across the ranks of the army. We see various groups reacting, and stirring themselves in readiness.

Arthur asks, who are they?

Bedevere says, oh, just some friends!

We end up back with Arthur. He seems satisfied the Army is ready. Panning down the serried ranks, pikes ready, pennants flapping in the wind. Some of the horses whinny nervously, and rattle their coconuts. Arthur is satisfied at last. He addresses the castle. 

Arthur says, French person! Today the blood of many valiant knights shall be avenged. In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight until each one of you lies dead and the Grail returns to those whom God has chosen. 

Arthur lowers his visor, turns to have a last look at the Army, then: Charge!

The mighty Army charges. Thundering noise of feet. Clatter of coconuts. South etc. They charge towards the castle. Suddenly there’s the wail of a siren and a couple of police cars roar round in front of the charging Army and the Police leap out and stop them. 2 Policewomen and the Historian’s Wife. Black Marias skid up behind them. The Army halts. 

Historian’s Wife says, they’re the ones. I’m sure. 

Inspector End of Film says, grab ‘em! 

The Police grab Arthur and bundle him into the Maria. Sir Bedevere is led off with a blanket over his head. The Knights are bundled into the Black Maria and the van drives off. The rest of the Army stand around looking at a loss. 

Inspector End of Film (picks up megaphone) says, all right! Clear off! Go on! A few reaction shots of the Army not quite sure what to do. Move along. There’s nothing to see! Keep moving!

Suddenly he notices the cameras. As the Black Maria drives away quick shot through window of all the Knights huddled inside. 

Inspector End of Film (To camera) says, all right, put that away, sonny. He walks over to it and puts his hand over the lens. The film runs out through he gate and the projector shines on the screen. There’s a blank screen for some 15 seconds. Slushy organ music starts and the houselights in the cinema come on…organ music continues as the audience leave. 

Screenplay ends with cast listing with many playing multiple characters. This screenplay is perfect in its entirety. I’m a little torn since I hadn’t planned to essentially blog the whole screenplay, but very little has been summarized, maybe a couple areas and the rest is word for word. Love it and worth it!