Mars on Earth

By Damon Cardwell

This feels a bit like it could be a prequel to Infinite Jest; see how good my assumption is. ;) Mars feels like he must prove the unknown watchers he wasn't a drunk, so he decides to go grocery shopping. As he's searching for the normal requirements, he realizes he doesn't have the accessories needed to make even an egg, so leaves. He feels needy for human contact after more than a few days without, he having been in a relationship, but it once it'd begun to feel mechanical, figures singledom may be the answer, but having someone being best.

His situation hasn't the chance to discover this, due to hostility growing out of sadness, Mars leaving finally when she'd complained of his shirt buttoning being too audible... Mars goes to Dodgers Stadium for his fix, there being plenty o'peeps out on opening day. He knew to find a buddy would require a late season game crowd, so he merely sits back and gladly watches the Dodgers lose, he a boyhood fan of the A's. Igor and Mars decide to chill on this sunny day, it a boiler, and air being cooler outdoors.

Igor is ignoring Mars babble his knowledge from college, as he attempts to calculate how many lemons were needed to make enough wedges for a 24 pack of Mexican beer. Mars reminds Igor of the amount, due to the early hour. The 2 drive to a nice shady spot under eucalyptus, take out lawn chairs, and chill on the back of the truck til sunset, Mars mostly chatting. Next discussion focuses on peoples perception of a newcomer playing pool, and they judging critically when seeing Mars was good.

Despite the belief of he wasting his young years on such a skill, Mars could beg to differ, he having done plenty of outdoorsy, social, troublesome whatnots, and learning how to play adult young making him capable of turning it off and on at whim, so when he plays pool, the maturity volume gets turnt up. Part of his code: there is no cure for the common code. His codes vary on the good moral side, and rules for pool playing. Mars also takes part at the Hollywood Legion Lanes, Bowling for Dollars contest, and had done so since he was 12, his gambling abilities being about even, as normal for most. He is a bit ahead by a few thousand, now due to the plentiful side betting done at the alley.

There is a preacher in Griffith Park actually gathering a crowd til he becomes repetitive, and an old black homeless fella loudly tells him he needs pussy, right up close to his face. Mars is curious enough to consider following the fella, but forges his own way. Mars is quite practical regarding his own skill, but also makes himself aware of other opponents skill, as well. He knew to be careful of the double or nothing round, and if one lost their confidence, they were done.

The dream was to find the waitress, settle down and make enough to save and grow, whilst still making the side cash to play with. Action gambling is next explained, Mars taking part in the type where one guesses a commercial to be on a specific channel, this being a kind of test to see if one was still square with the Gambling God. Some used Action gambling as a salve for sanity setting. Buddha Boy was on desk at Hollywood Legion, and knew everyone anyone could need to get contact. HL's corporation would fill the manager job with fuck ups, since they don't expect it to remain open, so they don't mind the turnover.

BB was the exception to the turnover rule, for having and working the same values as Mars, he sharing how Mars was the perfect example of white people being past redeemability, he being Thai. This was more for show, though since they both trusted each other for understanding the other so well. Mars has stayed up late to hustle nearly $330 at bowling, he deciding a helpful bloody Mary could beautify his morning. The old forever-looking bartender doesn't care about the drugs sold at her bar, only about the customer always buying and tipping despite not always finishing their drink, for waiting for their true fix.

After Mars sees the world brighter, he goes back home. The Washington Hotel is where Mars makes his temporary home, he following the shoulder rubbed walls upstairs to where he sees the sleeping neighbor in the hall. Upon getting into his apartment, he immediately reclines on the bed, happy for the open window breeze, and wanting to sleep, but yearning for breakies more, he having enough from last week's leftovers for some steak and eggs. Mars rules are listed randomly, as well as suicide being the ultimate cure for unemployment, but all things tending to work out, his belief more of no one truly knowing what occurs in pussies. Next, is listed Mars' failures, like car mechanic knowledge, being able to hold a schedule, and any sort of construction.

Moving on from there is how many games Mars goes to over the course of a decade, and how many times he'd seen a certain Dodgers pitcher lose. After a particularly memorable unexpected win though, they unwisely change the quality and type of Dodger dogs to shit, unknown meat. During the night, half his tongue swole up, so he goes to the better emergency room a few miles further away only to see a similar bunch as what he was trying to avoid, but soon being admitted for severity. He's first shot with adrenaline, he feeling stellar to the point of spooging all over his tee, a 1st for the nurse, but this not minimizing the swelling so, next they try a steroid in an hour when he came down, so the nurse stays with him, since he's technically in critical condition for being unable to swallow his saliva.

The steroid does the job, and Mars is able to dump his spit cummy towel and go home. Mars gets a knock at the door from Danny the Actor, who is going on another Los Angeles Times review raid, since a reviewer had been unnecessarily nasty. They collect as many as his quarter would deliver, then they go to the dump for an early bonfire as Danny would dance around it, and piss on the flames. This allows him to focus for his upcoming performance later in the day.

On an early morning, after a beer, Mars decides to wake up with a combo of coke, and speed, whilst watching some porn in a booth, he then returning to the bar for a concluding drink. Mars is a poor white boy, but felt Mexican, since he had skills which didn't pay off much. This was how he rationalizes drinking and abusing himself, since he could've very well take it out physically on an ethereal being like God. Crash, a buddy of Mars' meets up with him for a pub crawl to a movie theater in Hollywood.

By the 3rd bar, they get some cheap cans as they listen to 2 trivia chats going on, 1 of boxers and the other, films. Crash worries over what looks like a disembodied leg from under a jukebox, but is reassured when he's coaxed to put on a song, hearing the snoring fella, and returns for more drinks. Mars next shares the longest word he knows having 45 letters, someone saying it should be a tat. When the 2 leave and Crash leaves a tip, the barman chases them down to return it, and invite them back, Mars and Crash not making it to their movie.

A new, Weird Preacher has taken up on the Blvd, a black fella with nonsense written all over his suit, and a shirt, gloves, and pants combo stapled and stuffed to look like a little boy without a head. Weird P's only use for this is to show how Satan ate "yo" head. Then, Mars considers how people in the death biz stay in the biz with it seeming to be a job which would wear down one's like of it after awhile. Mars relates how he'd use lies to enhance his life socially or simply when boredom hit.

Then, in '89, Hollywood Legion is closing for good and the boxers who used to fight there way back when have a nice night to farewell each other fondly. When Mars hears about it, he's mad af, but only suggests they put a sign up to make it known there wouldn't be a party for the bowlers, Buddha Boy having bought a shit ton of drugs and vanished, rumor having it being caused by deportation. Mars gets beers until he gets the sense one drunk sitting at the bar could be trouble for him due to mad dogging, so leaves. By morning, he gets so hot, he throws his coffee at the window, then cup through it, and couldn't afford to replace it for a couple days, due to expense, but at least he was cooler.

Mars' unemployment had him wistful for wanting to live the life of a celeb or someone who must name streets with the possibility of traveling to them to be sure it suited the area, an insulting stereotypical American-assumed notion of a Native American naming their child after what "him" first sees upon the birth, being the way Mars likened it. He then names the area with the unemployment office, Torture Town. A girl actually lets him get lucky directly out of the UO, letting him remember, "he was worthy". Next, he has the itch to discover a new friend, so he gets clothes on, and makes himself available out in the world.

Mars does see an innocent looking young lady waiting for the bus, and making him hope no one messed with her or change how little make up she wore, and when she leaves with the bus, he hopes he doesn't see her again. Mars gets the chance to do an errand which pays $10, but also has him drive in freeway traffic caused by 3 dead German Shepherds in the middle of the freeway, then a horrifying gauntlet of Mexican workers with seeping wounds from being around styrofoam and the solvent, Mars praying the lesson of how good he had it hopefully done for the day. What soon makes Mars realize he is aging is how he became emotional over student drivers or Mexicans trying to get work standing at walls, 1 bunch not knowing the insult they were standing under was driving their chances of getting hired away. Mars also values the gems he is shared by older fellas at dances, his values changing for the better for them.

On Sunday, an 18 yr old at a free Bbq shows interest in him temporarily, and after he goes for fries and coffee, the new waitress acting so awkward, she passes it on to Mars, til she gets his overly crispy fries and gravy on the side, he feeling she'd definitely figure out her stride at this delicious rate. Some people were fearful of Mariachi, Mars was scared of Westwood sweater mannequins, the ritzy spreading out of its area. He then gets sick after at 1st thinking he'd blacked out the previous night, and was now poisoned, but he knew he only required rest, so napped away the day after taking a few probably expired aspirin. After a couple days, he feels right again, and showers after some light exercise, upon realizing he had no clean clothes, he gathers up his dirty shit, and takes it half a block down the street to the laundry in his towel.

Fortunately, he has enough dirty pants pocket change for the clothes, and soap, he then getting lucky with a free haircut at the barber college from the manager, since he owed him for all the beers he'd spotted for him. So, when he gets home with his warm clothes, he knows it's too late for job hunting, but he could get lucky somewhere... When Mars knew he was close to broke, he'd begin spending it all the more passive-aggressively, wasting it on tips for shit restaurants, buying stupid crap, and betting recklessly, and by the end of the day, making only extra change. Mars has a temporary job with a new buddy, Jose engraving and putting together trophy orders for a local business, the manny giving them speed when a large order day occurred, but when they finish, they get some departing beers.

The bums in Mars' neighborhood knew not to beg off him for being a local, and the added warning of having so many ready example for self restraint available to him once in awhile was good for him. In '91, the lottery win was getting popular for having reached over 100 mil, Mars not tempted, and looking down on it, but still buying a couple tix which lost, his type of betting needing some skill behind it. As Mars drives aimlessly, and makes up lyrics in his head, he looks for a good spot with paper napkins to write it down, and see if he can make any kind of profit for it. When the Dodgers win the pennant, Mars worries if he'll have to start drinking at home if the dodgers spirit spread to the bar, which'd make drinking less amusing.

1 night, Mars has an interaction with an out of place, exceptionally hot and high young lady, he seeing in the paper next day she'd oded on a bum's mattress last night, and began to have yearning to have taken her back to his, like he'd initially attempted. 7-Eleven is Mar's personal care/snack/beer choice of convenience. His only real inconvenience of choosing a 7-Eleven instead of a grocery store came from lack of carts and language barrier of cashiers. Tats were an interest to Mars which he couldn't actually claim, for fear of hearing the needle, at both attempts trying it drunk.

He next lists 4 tats, which had been etched on his mind and on other peeps' bodies. His fave is a half empty heart, pooling blood below it with a female's name underneath. Mars lists a few of his fears he sometimes masks as distaste, but it still makes his skin crawl, like shopping malls, and being permanently lost in them. Then Mars goes over the trending phrases of the '90s which were particularly grating to hear either at work or in public, the mere living through them bad enough. Ignoseconds is a word created by a buddy called Chef, it defining the mo. just before a victim realizes something traumatizing is about to occur.

Many people consider suicide when life got pathetic or too unbearably boring, but Mars tended to roll through the downs to consider the hopeful ups. Danny the Actor has a cousin from Germany, Berndt who only wishes to experience the non tourist-typical areas. Danny ties to help his cuz, but many spots he liked were in Berndt's guidebook, which he wishes to avoid, so Danny holds out nearly 2 days before hiring Mars to customize a good hit list for Berndt. Mars makes payment easy, since all he required was beer and food with caffeine.

This suits fine, Danny immediately nervous when Mars decides first to hit Mexico, get drunk, and go to a strip club. Berndt is quite pleased, esp. when Mars points out a bonus show of the stripper crushing bugs in time to the music. Crash wins a hundy by lottery, and he takes Mars to Vegas, the 2 splitting up, and starting their gambles. Mars gets luck, and makes 480 extra, resting in comfort til next morning, when he drives them back, for Crash drinking himself ill.

Mars also knew since he understood his sexuality preference, he would never be the monogamous type. Then a segue into a story from a fella who was bowing, and how Mars would always have set aside 20 bux if he expected to drink on his plane ride home, like the fella had unfortunately not done. Ben Rhino is gone over as a legend, half native, silent, cool-headed bowler, who knew how to bet and win. When Mars had seen him in person, he didn't chat to him, but promised himself he'd get out of the bowling racquet soon, due to how much age now showed on Rhino's face.

When New Year's hit, Mars kept traditionally sober, making the educated choice of keeping away from the drunken dummies going out with extra cops about and people shooting guns in the air. Mars thinks people desired to live like the rich began after Saturday Night Fever came out, he then harkening back to how it'd gotten there. The end being when the rich claim punk as a merchandisable style, and Mars contemplates how it seems everyone needed the new millenium to start, and sober them up from their squeeing over being flush with cash. As Mars is packing up his shit, he hears footsteps in the hall, Crash and Lowry coming in with beer, and asking what his new locale would be.

The 2 have the same thought of Mars perichsing if he goes to New Orleans, but he needs a change, and doesn't mind if it's the last city he saw. They help him get his bowling balls to his car after drinking the beer, Lowry breaking his h.s. ball by accident, he then giving them reign to take whatever he'd left in his apt, and before splitting, gets a sadly awkward farewell. As an out of the way detour, he goes to see his buddy, Henry playing a set in Vegas. The fella isn't playing well, but it doesn't stop Mars from betting against him, and making a hundy.

Mars learns after, Henry is playing like shit, because he'd gone gaga over a stripper with perfect teats. Mars isn't looking forward to seeing him fawn over the nekkids like a boy in a hoorhouse. Henry locates his thumb-teated lovely for a private table dance, the lady looking like chick from Three's Company. Henry ends their stay there when Mars mistakenly asks the lady what nummy nums was, she offering a squirt of mama's milk, Henry crazy for a taste, but Mars getting him out and back home to sleep it off proper.

Mars attempts to get a few hours before the newfound tastes in N'Orleans. A swell partial comic-style novel. I'm not surprised by poor Cardwell's current condition if he based Mars on himself, which seems likely.

A fun Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas-style romp. Worth it!