Killer of Demons #1 of 3
By Christopher Yost
Our hero, Dave is looking bored at his desk til he's silently hoping the boss, Kent doesn't come up to him, but his divider buddy, Flop is firmly kissing his ass, and hoping to get invited to lunch, so Dave is forced to accompany them as the threesome set up camp in a stripclub. Once learning Dave was stuck there, he offers to collect their next round at the bar, where he overhears a fella chatting to the female bartender about not being sure his wife was cheating on him, and how he expects her to be there for him loyally despite his cheating. The bartender suggests he snuff her, so he could cover his bases, and then he wouldn't have to worry whether she ever had or would, again. The guy goes for this, esp when she advises the w.o.c., meat cleaver.
When fella walks off with a purpose, bartender asks what Dave's deal was, he saying he worked snuff films with teenage girls, this getting her in the bathroom for some fun time, and Dave turning it into a chance to stab her. This is when it's shown what Dave had going on behind his scenes and talking to himself, he was actually speaking with a little angel, Uriel, who resembled him. Uriel advises Dave on how he had to kill them every time, and this time he'd done alright. Back a nearly a handful of months earlier, Dave wakes up shouting, his gf thinking he'd been affected by her new potpourri, but Dave having gone to the bathroom, seeing a blue flame in place of his head in the mirror, then Uriel introing himself, and how Dave had gotten the Vision to help the ongoing battle.
Back to the present, Dave walks out of the bathroom with Uriel trailing him, and thinking by getting back to work, Dave meant killing more, but then Kent and Flop come up, and give him props for his conquest, he thinking of the she-devil body he'd left. On Monday, Flop naively asks why Kent, says he is chilling outside h.s.'s, Dave again claiming he was a demon being the reason, and Flop denying this as Dave sees demons and humans in the office working alongside each other. Different offices show demons supporting after hours porn shoots to make extra cash. An intern is offered smokes, which Flop is doubling the effort in their cubicle, their supe giving them shit for the long lunch, but also giving props to Flop for his effort as he'd hoped.
Supe peppers f-bombs throughout every sentence. Next, a new advert campaign for their ciggies are shown, "Do it.", being the bottom line. Then a game chat is shown going on between some dude, and a 13 yr old, after he asks if she'd like to go to his place after offering a plane ticket, a fella from the FBI makes fun of how dumb the pedo is to Dave, who asks to borrow his double-sided axe he'd acquired at RenFest. Uriel remarks how weirdly happy Dave's bro was doing his job, Dave telling him to shut it.
Uriel goes on though, about how Dave shouldn't care about getting caught, since he was doing divine work, and after collecting his drive thru White Castle order, and is auto-combo'd due to it being cheaper, he sees the demon type, and Uriel gleefully declares, it's work time. Dave steps in the building, and cleans house. Back in the car, Uriel looks like a happy baby talking about how "pretty", but Dave cuts him off for silence as he drove. The news covers the continuing massacres and has recorded video of flame head decapitating what look like humans.
They go to an eye witness, who describes the typical white guy when sharing of having been in the break room with double-sided glass. Dave is next seen attempting to relate his experience theoretically to a psychiatrist and he prescribing meds, but also claiming not to be a doc, Dave collecting at the devil receptionist's desk, and he bloody on his drive home. When Dave is about to go into his apt, his gf, Rachel is on her way out to help with the police call due to all the murders, she hoping to catch the culprit. As he gets home-dressed, he tells Uriel he wants to quit, but when the angel doesn't show or reply, he sees a devil holding him down in the kitchen wanting to chat.
A day and a half from the present, Dave is in a taxi being chased by cops as he shoots at them. After, Dave is visited by Flop and supe, his bro Mike, Rachel, and Uriel, who calls him a kitty wuss.. Uriel is surprised how Satan had charmed the shit out of Dave into thinking he was nuts, and now Uriel is trying to convince Dave otherwise. Dave ignores him til he hears from his therapist claim he also isn't a doc, then sees a demon working in the garden below, Dave's next move being to get the doc's pen in his mouth and from the 2nd floor, but Dave isn't convinced he'd done the right thing, yet.
Not til a redhead overhears Dave's chat with Uriel, and confirms his, and the demons existences, shocking them both. She also shares of Snuffalumpagus fucks her, but Uriel stops her from continuing, he and Dave escaping as she and Snuff watch from the window as he slaughters demons. Satan calls a stripper, Candi to help deal with Dave. Candi's escapades are shown from being a naughty h.s.-er, to sacrificing goats.
Dave and Uriel are on the run, he considers how if the psych ward reports him missing as they should, Rachel'd also know, Uriel thinking their was something off about her anyways. Rachel, is next shown looking nervous as she's updated of their witness having been killed execution-style, she suggesting they'd probably drop the case now, right? SInce, they had no more witnesses, and all... Then, a flashback of what Rachel witnesses being his bloody weapons in a closet.
4 hours previously, Rachel's shown with a gun pointed at the witness who is pleading he'd tell the cops whatever she wished, instead she opts to shoot him. Then, the part after Lucifer is put in hell is shown, the demon realizing God wasn't going to punish them beyond hell, so gives his minions free reign on Earth. As Uriel explains this, he also tells why he'd harped on Dave to get Kent esp, for being a higher up demon. They then are blocked by Satanists, and somehow Dave brings the fight into Mike's house as he's setting up an attack within the game with a 12 yr old player, he not knowing he was underage, but needs his assistance now, Dave fighting the gang behind his back.
When he falls out the window, for the first time Uriel tells him not to kill a fool for actually being a human for once. This confuses Dave for a bit, but then Candi interrupts after they'd gotten in their taxi, and she somehow blows it up. Uriel coaxes Dave to fight her, and as she's kicking his ass, somehow she gets hit with a skull bullet to the head, and Uriel hopes Dave doesn't get in trouble for technically killing a human, but a real bad one. Dave then picks up to Flop telling about Kent wanting the both of them for a project.
The continuation of how Satan and God came to their agreement of how humans were free game is shown, then it's obv how Ken is using Flop as a patsy. When Dave gets back to the office looking prepared to do his duty to do, he first handles his 500+ built up emails. The ditzy intern is being tempted to try injecting meth, into her eyelids, when Dave is obv done with his menial task, shooting the demons up, intern screaming away to the back of the office. The other devil workers pause til Dave admits he can see 'em.
When they come at him, supe is on a call, but hears the racket and sees the blood. Supe calls da boss, Kent and they implement the wizard in accounting, Dave impressed by the fella sitting on the ceiling, and looking like a deranged old man, like a skinny Danny Devito in a diaper. The cops are called, but Rachel helps Dave by waylaying the call to SWAT. Dave is cutting through demons left and right, til 1 demon goes back to looking human after he'd killed him.
He also loses contact with Uriel, and Satan pops in claiming he'd always been imagining demons and angels, again. Satan's magic shows through as he tells Uriel of Dave no longer hearing him, and he had full control to get Dave to kill himself. As Uriel prays and attempts to help Dave, Satan continues his parade of ready stories about the fake humans he'd killed. Uriel gets Flop to do his unseen bidding til Dave looks like he's ready to shoot himself, and instead shoots the devil.
He makes his way to Kent's office finally, Ken thinking he wouldn't shoot him with Flop sitting in the way. Dave notices Flop is bending to tie his shoes, and takes advantage, bullets flying at Kent. This fight is 1 of a kind, since an original player in the divine war hadn't been faced by a Hand of God before. So, when Flop distracts Kent for a sec by saying he'd totally join the fight club, Dave stabs Kent, and the lack of power had humans seeing demons for a min, which most ignored.
Flop also doesn't believe what he saw, esp when it seems Kent turns back, but he still helps Dave move him. After, Dave chats with Uriel about how Rachel hadn't let SWAT be called, and Satan ends up covering up Dave's violence, he still showing uncertainty to Uriel's shock, but he also admits he'd cheated by praying for help. So, Dave continues to fight, the hopefully good fight, as more of the details of the agreement are learned. Since, Uriel had gotten outside help, the devils could use their Hand, the Killer of Angels to go after Uriel. This is like a funny version of Frailty! The comic timing of Flop made me feel like Thomas Lennon would kill at this role if it were ever filmified. So fuckin' good, I want to read the rest, if I ever find 'em!!
