Hotel California
By JTK
Chapter 1 introduces the fact of humans being the only animal to punish through confinement. A crime boss of a gang deals out a temple punishment by pressing on them, killing him, but not by the handful of mins he'd boasted, now he serving a handful of years in prison for it at the Hotel California. Dallas Westcoast gets the normal welcome his 1st day in prison, he having to prove himself to his big black cellies first, but the only occurrence being Dallas weirding out the guys for staring and saying nothing before being shown the correct cell.
Irving and his cellie continue rapping as a support for their black pride, 1 of them liking country music. Dallas' cellie calls bottom bunk, then tells of being released, the guards escorting him out. The one outside imparts one last piece of advice, which Steve ignores, the guard getting bludgeoned by an ice brick when a swan drops it overhead, some plane having forgotten to secure the cargo bay. Steve is sent right back to the cell, where Dallas had been getting comfy on the lower bunk, and now had to give up, since Steve had previously claimed it.
Ch. 2 harkens to a novel where the only proof of superiority is showing ability to confine a creature. The Director of the prison, Albert Houseman does a morning broadcast, the big black fellas annoyed by how often John Denver is played, the 2 staying strong by an impromptu beatbox session. Meanwhile, Dallas is introing himself in the yard where he learns new inmates were expected to fight to promote some healthy gambling. Dallas was up against the Latinos side's serious muscle, Michael Bati. He was expected to lose, but uses his ancient art to knock Bati out with 1 hit. This pisses off the Latino leader, but now all the gangs want Dallas in their group.
Ch. 3 JTK considers when prisons were created, and how they used to be more of a waiting room for the real punishment. Steve complains of having to clean up a constant chat of graffiti on the wall, whilst Dallas catches the warden, Albert from falling off a chair he'd been standing on to reach files on a shelf. Dallas is offered a song on the later broadcast as a thank you. At lunch, Steve complains about the carrots, he pointing at another guy who also didn't seem to like the carrots, fella not known to speak, it showing of his actually feeding a secret love horse under his bunk. During the late broadcast, Irving and cellie show off their new back tats of their rapper names, I.T. S.H., but everyone seeing shit, and Dallas' happiness is mistakenly thought by the warden of he liking his Denver song choice, everyone enduring a longer broadcast going forward, due to this.
Ch.4 Royal prisons were ones to be truly feared, what what their creative executioners. Frank is 90 and had gone to jail at 20 for safe-cracking, and since the start, he'd been digging his escape. So, when the warden nearly puts him up for parole review, Frank declines nervously, the prison psych doc deciding he'd allow the inmates to graffiti a wall, since it was being repainted, Steve starting them off with the nekkid bits of a female, Max pitching in as well, the older fella struggling with the same art choice, whilst Dallas drew Homer Simpson's face. Warden Al is digging it, allowing requests for music, Irving and Tom finally getting to listen to Ghetto Superstar.
Warden then decides to play the original country tune, Irving and Tom weeping. Bati, the fool on the book cover looking like Eastbound and Down's Danny McBride is drawing a fam portrait, kid-style. Malcolm S., the Black Power leader paints like a pro classical-style, since he was a counterfeiter. They even bring out the Hannibal fella, Doc Hopkins, who paints a flower with his teeth. Every prisoner calls it scary and the psych doc concludes he's "demented", and decides solitary is best for him. Tom and Irving add their weird Fuck Country Hip Hop Good message just before Frank digs into the wall and most of it tumbles, except for the boys' message becoming Fuck Hip Hop.
Ch. 5 First is shared the temporary popularity of prison ships. George Warren is introed next, he convicted til the year 3000, and no one liking him due to his uncomfy behavior and smell. An example of this comes from when he 1st offers to show his junk for a rotten apple, then acting like a dog and pig for a chocolate bar from a guard, this having Irving and Tom rap everything they say to offbase the indignity from a brutha. After they each try their skills, George asks to take a dump in a field, getting permission, then recreating the lyrics to Imagine with theme of unified pooping.
George's interrupted by the Psych doc/Vice warden, George being offered and accepting an experimental drug proposition which lowers his sentence 100 yrs per treatment, and all the food he could hork. Dallas inquires into what they did to George, he revealing he only took pills. After hearing from Steve about inmates dying before, and they both able to see the changes after a few days, the pills were making George go gray. Then as increments of a couple "few more days" pass, Dallas begins to see George's exact resemblance to Steve.
Ch. 6 There's first a presumption of everyone following America's way of punishment after Britain's isolated cells failed. New inmates arrive at Collins prison, and 1 looks like a hot chick, Joy Holliday, in for fraud. She brings much intrigue, staying in the library and reading during her free time. When Dallas hears from Steve of another fool messing with her, they go in time to see her calmly defend herself before leaving, having learnt Taoism from a book. Apparently, reading and mastering the first book turns the top half of one's body to female, and the 2nd book was in their library, so a reading frenzy ensues in the prison.
Ch. 7 Sing Sing's history is provided next, which also lacks ability to rehabilitate prisoners. Jawu is next introed, he becoming obsessed with memorizing all traditional Chinese operas, always having had a stellar memory. Meanwhile, Warden Al is acting smitten for Dallas, still and stays up late to create a compilation of country tunes for him. Warden leaves it outside his cell where Steve is running and slides into it, Irving and Tom thinking it's for them, and listening to it.
This makes Steve think they actually did like country music and were fronting their hip hop love. Dallas and Steve interrupt Joy, who is offering to fight inmates to see who was hiding the 2nd book of Tao, Dallas distracting her with the temporal death blow, which she eases with a tylenol, an the 2 spending time in solitary as punishment. Jawu is next shown having been the 1 to discover the text and eaten it, his lower half becoming female, which means his dream to sing Chinese opera was kaput, he going into a paralysis and the power of learning both books to obtain ultimate power faded from memory with his silence.
Ch. 8 Talk of the infamous Alcatraz and its history comes first, then another intro of a new character. Anton La Vey is pointed out by Steve to Dallas, he claiming to have some sort of religious power. Those who follow him soon learn he worships Satan, and fella hiding a horse gets nervous when he talks of needing a larger animal than the mouse offered as a sacrifice. Next, Warden Al shares of selling perfectly subject matter t-shirts at an unfair price, but Anton buys 1 for himself to wear, then paints the same motto on his followers chests. Dallas learns a few days after their blood drive, Anot was found out to be HIV+ and was moved, so Satanism died with his absence.
Ch. 9 Attica is gone over, and how it helps update the prison system from remaining untechnological. Steve have a visitor, his pop relating how he had to hid because gramps had stolen drugs, so he slowly switches his outfit with Steve as he explains he planned to take his place inside to hide, since he'd sold the drugs. When Dallas experiences his new cellie, he isn't pleased by the louder, annoying downgrade. Whilst Warden is suspicious, he isn't enough to look too closely, and Stanley doesn't make himself too obv, til an impromptu unofficial strike starts, and warden decides increasing food portion size as answer. Dallas wonders how long he plans to stay, Stanley thinking a decade should do it, then a few more days pass, and Steve gets cycled in, again. This should've suited Stanley fine, since now he wouldn't be kicked out, but then gramps comes up, also a prisoner and beats him with his walker, from then on Stanley focused on digging an escape, his pop hot on his heels.
Ch. 10 The new variety of prison-serving is provided along with the Martha Stewart way. Max was back in for a parole review and looks much happier about it. Bati is also up for parole and gets advice from a previous parolee, who had come back for fixing Michael Jackson's face without a license, so he simply uses makeup to soften his look. Irving is also up for parole, but takes a more philosophical viewpoint of no one ever being able to cage his soul. Then Richard Obright's unfortunate past is gone over, and when he gives his reason for why he should be paroled, he's rejected, like Bati, and Irving.
Ch. 11 Next is mentioned how comfy the prisons in Norway and Denmark are, and what the prisoners housed in them must think of their greatly desired benefits. Steve has gum pain and Psych doc is busy making side cash off of Doc Hopkins, he having Steve take over for the day when Hopkin's starts to complain, the 2 being blonde. When 1 of Psych doc's customers isn't pleased with his interview though, he's found out by the guard, so returns Steve to Hopkin's cell, with the man inside, scaring the shit out of Steve. He throws himself through a concrete wall in fear, and Warden spreads the news of Hopkins escape, so when the prisoners see the man trying to talk and bleeding from his face mask, they merely stare. Dallas does the temple trick and Steve supposedly dies, but Warden goes to solitary where he reports of Steve being allowed out when they recovered Hopkins.
Ch. 12 France is known for having helicopter-aided jailbreaks, 1 in '86 where a wife gets a pilot license to break out her hubby, but gets captured just shy a handful of months later. Another in '03 thieves escape by landing on top of the prison and lowering a ladder, no details of capture found. Dallas has been inside for some time now, Irving and Tom getting a record deal and putting out a hip hop country album. Steve Susemi (Reminds me of Buscemi) writes an auto-bio about his time posing as Hopkins, which isn't received well by him, and the 2 duke it out on Jerry Springer. As Dallas reminisces about his cellies, and looks like he was leaving, it's shown they are merely spraying the prison with disinfectant, all prisoners holding their personal boxed items in the yard, he getting reamed by all the gifts he'd gotten from the warden, who again blasts country music to cries to desist. A cute, funny blip of a story. Good for a single reading, at least!
